A Subservient Narcissist?

Transcript from video

The term ‘subservient narcissist’ seems quite paradoxical given that narcissism typically involves grandiosity, being disagreeable, there’s a need for dominance, being self centred and lacking empathy. Subservience however implies a willingness to comply, to submit to or to serve others. So it’s an odd term given what we understand about narcissism. Which often stems from deep-seated insecurities and a fragile self-esteem. In fact, narcissistic people tend to behave as if others are there for their benefit. They condition others to become subservient to them. They often behave as if rules do not apply to them which is one of the reasons they can be difficult to manage in the workplace.

However in the context of psychological behaviour, and with personality disorders it is possible to observe a combination of traits that appear contradictory. So to answer the question, it’s not a type of narcissism, such as grandiose narcissism or vulnerable narcissism, but more a behaviour. To understand this, the behaviour of narcissistic people can vary depending on a variety of factors, such as where they are on the narcissistic spectrum, what other things may be co-occurring, the situation, the context, as well as other people involved.

So the first, and most common reason a narcissistic person would be subservient would be as a form of manipulation. For instance in certain situations, a narcissist might adopt a subservient demeanour to align with social norms or to gain specific advantages. In a workplace, a narcissist might feign subservience to gain favour with superiors or to strategically out manoeuvre their colleagues. By appearing helpful, compliant, and overly accommodating, they try to gain approval from superiors, and admiration from colleagues. Also, being praised for being dutiful by the right people can be a way of gaining their supply. In some cases though, by being super helpful to others, they get to avoid doing their own work. They have found something much more important to do. It’s not uncommon for narcissistic people to go looking for other things to do rather than their actual job. In social settings a narcissistic person might adopt a subservient role as a strategic manoeuvre to achieve whatever their goals are. They might adopt a persona of putting others first, being very caring, dutiful to build the reputation they desire. Appearing selfless and compliant can help them move into positions of power and control. If you will, they try to portray themselves as the servant leader.

Next, with altruistic narcissism, their supply of admiration and validation is gained from being seen as the kindest, most generous person there is. So they may seem to be kind, attentive, doing what they can to help others. However, just like with most forms of narcissism there is often a public and a private face. It’s usually only those closest to them who get to see the real them. When their desired audience isn’t present they just revert back to type. So in these cases the subservience is not genuine but rather a calculated effort to exploit relationships and situations for personal gain.

Being subservient can be common with covert narcissism. Unlike the grandiose narcissist who is openly brash and attention-seeking, a covert narcissist is more likely to display vulnerability, hypersensitivity, and a facade of humility or servitude. Like grandiose narcissists, covert narcissists still have deep-seated feelings of superiority and entitlement, the difference being it’s all internalised. They have a tendency believe themselves to be misunderstood, unappreciated and rejected unfairly. So they tend to express themselves in less obvious ways, such as seeking validation through martyrdom or manipulation. So a covert narcissist might outwardly display a lack of confidence and a need to please others but as a way to mitigate their internal fears of inadequacy. The subservience is really just a coping mechanism to protect their vulnerable ego.

Now in some cases, someone might exhibit both narcissistic and co-dependent tendencies. In this case a narcissist might derive their self-worth from being needed. This can create a dynamic where they seem self-sacrificing, but their underlying motivation is to reinforce their self-image and secure constant validation. This would be the person who is first to volunteer for something, first to volunteer others on their behalf as well without checking with them first. But it’s all about being fed by other people’s gratitude, their positive regard. They get their supply through feeling appreciated.

Another reason for the motivations behind a narcissistic person subservient behaviour is because they believe it is in their best interest, even if just for the that moment, that situation or that environment. For example they could become subservient to someone they see being in a more powerful or influential position than they are, or has resources they don’t. So they will behave in a way that gets them close, get’s them noticed. They become the ‘best buddy’ who idolises and worships, but only for the status, the resources, or for protection.

Lastly, the reason for why a narcissistic person will act subserviently towards someone is because the person they are subservient to is someone they fear. For instance, someone they have been conditioned not to question, not to upset, not to step out of line with. Someone they have to drop everything for and put before themselves. Perhaps, a narcissistic parent. In their parents company they still behave like the parent is still the centre of the universe and their word is the beginning and end of all discussions. They still obey without question. Even as adults, in the parent’s company they are trying to avoid the rejection, criticism displeasure and unkind humour.

So to summarize, narcissism can be quite complex and sometimes it looks like some characteristics and behaviours don’t quite fit the personality construct, and being subservient to others doesn’t seem to fit the construct. But remember it can be a manipulation tactic, a way of gaining supply or position, or a learned response to a more dominant figure. But generally you get a sense there’s something seems off. They may only behave in a subservient manner with certain people or when certain people are around. When there’s no audience or nothing in it for them, they just revert back to type. In some situations they behave like they’d move heaven and earth for anyone. Behind closed doors they behave like they are the centre of the universe and expect to be treated as such.

Watch the video here: