Crazy Accusations
Transcript form the video
To understand the reason behind some of the accusations it’s useful to understand the nature of narcissism. Narcissistic people have an overinflated sense of self-importance and sense of entitlement. Thy can be very disagreeable and highly resistant to anything that could be considered criticism. There’s also a constant need for attention, admiration and a lack of empathy for others. They also have a false and very fragile sense of self which can be easily shattered by reality. Because of this they tend to have a lot of deep-seated insecurities which can lead to a combination of maladaptive psychological defence mechanisms. One of those defence mechanisms is accusatory behaviour.
The motivations behind their accusations can vary, often depending on their own personal experiences, where they are on the narcissistic spectrum as well as other things which may be co-occuring. But one reason is a way to deflect attention away from their own shortcomings. By pointing the finger at others, they avoid feeling vulnerable or inadequate. Which is why when confronted about something it’s not uncommon to hear things like, “What about this? Or, “What about the time you did that?” This helps deflect from the topic at hand, shift blame, avoid criticism and having to face their own responsibility in whatever the issue is.
Next, due to their sense of entitlement and having no sense of responsibility or accountability narcissistic people can behave as if they are morally superior when they’re far from it. They project their own negative behaviours or traits onto others, often accusing others of doing the very things they do themselves, such as cheating, being selfish or lying. Projecting these negative qualities onto others helps them avoid confronting their own flaws and maintains their perfect self-image.
Moving on, Narcissists lack insight and have little to no empathy, which makes them less sensitive to how their accusations hurt others. They may not care about the emotional distress they cause and focus solely on maintaining their own narrative of superiority, innocence, or their need to destroy someone with sometimes false allegations. Many people in relationships with narcissists find themselves accused of doing things, thinking things or having motives that make no sense. Now what could be happening is they are accusing their someone of doing the things others have done to hurt them in the past. Due to their cognitively distorted way of seeing the world, whoever they are angry or upset with is, in that moment, now guilty of every bad thing other people have done or said to them throughout their lives. They have the same motives and the same agenda.
Another reason for their accusations can be because of their intense desire for control. Making wild accusations can destabilize others and put them on the defensive. This behaviour can also be used as a tactic to maintain dominance, a way of ensuring compliance. They coerce others by claiming that not aligning with their way of thinking, or behaving the way they demand is wrong or evil somehow. No one wants to be seen as evil so others are constantly second-guessing themselves or seeking approval. It works for them because people can be offended and react in a way that plays into their hands. They might become aggressive, or plead their innocence. They might become frightened to step out of line, or keep trying to fix perceived issues, disagreements. Ultimately people can back down, giving the narcissist the control they want. So the accusing can be a form psychological manipulation, or gaslighting where a narcissist tries to distort reality. By claiming something they don’t like is bad or wrong, or accusing someone of something they didn't do, they create confusion and self-doubt in their target, making them more dependent on the narcissist for approval or guidance, and ultimately, compliance.
Next, narcissistic people can be quite paranoid and often feel threatened by others' successes or independence. They can have an irrational fear that others are out to undermine them, betray them, or diminish their sense of importance so can lash out with accusations due to their own insecurity, envy and jealousy. There can be wild claims of people trying to take something from them, something that is theirs by right. They can claim there’s cheating, unfairness, they’re being hated. There has been some terrible kind of injustice because either someone has succeeded at something they haven’t, or someone has succeeded at something as well. Narcissistic people lack humility, they are rarely pleased for others and don’t like sharing the spotlight. They can become bitter and vindictive if they think someone has or can do something they can’t.
Another reason can be because narcissistic people thrive on chaos and drama. Outrageous, wild accusations can stir up conflict which can be exciting for them. For instance they can accuse partners of cheating based on them saying hello to someone. They can misinterpret and misrepresent other people’s thoughts and ideas, use strawman arguments, claim nefarious motives and deception. Like if you say you prefer tea it means you hate people who drink coffee. The works on different levels for them. It’s another way to destabilises others. It also feeds their need for drama, diverts attentions form their own behaviour and can help them gain and maintain control of other people and situations.
Lastly, when it comes to wild, outrageous, even non sensical accusations, it could be due to low resolution thinking. Narcissists tend to have an all or nothing way of thinking. They appraise everything through a filter of black or white, good or bad, right or wrong. You are either a friend or an enemy. Due to their lack of empathy and insight they can struggle with context and nuance. This is one of the reasons why people can find it hard to reconcile the fact that the narcissistic person in their life may be very clever, intelligent, talented, but behave like spoilt toddlers.
People in narcissistic relationships can find things they have said at some point being said back to them with either something added or in a different context. For instance, if someone says, “I don’t think what you’re asking for is reasonable” at some point is said back as, “When I asked you said you hate me.” Now it could be exaggerated for effect but in some cases it could be how they filtered it.
Narcissists know they’re hurting but don’t necessarily know why they’re hurting or what that pain means. All they know how to do is lash out in the hope of alleviating their distress. Also, narcissistic people tend to function pretty much in the here and now. Whatever they think or feel at the moment is what’s true. Which is why they can sometimes confuse and even frustrate the Hell out of people with their constantly changing ideas and perspectives. They also have a long memory when it comes to emotional wounds. When they bring up something from the past it’s not always to deflect from their own behaviour, it can be because in their mind it reinforces their victim’s guilt in this very moment.
The all or nothing thinking can lead them to accuse people of hatred for saying no, or for not saying ‘yes’ quick enough and the way they wanted to hear it. They can accuse people of cheating because they don’t feel they are being paid enough attention, at a particular moment, or if they didn’t respond to a text quickly enough. They behave as if they can see thoughts and motives.
But regardless of the accusations, in many cases with narcissism whatever is in their head at that moment is true. It’s true because they think it, it’s true because they feel it.
Watch the video here: