Do Narcissists Ever Experience Guilt?

Transcript from video

Do narcissistic people ever experience guilt? A common response might be if they did, why do they keep doing the same things over and over again? But the answer isn’t always that straight forward. To answer this question fully it’s first of all important to define what we mean by guilt. Although it can be closely associated with shame and regret, they’re not the same things. Guilt is something we feel when we think about the consequences of something we have done, or perhaps neglected to do. It can help us to regulate our behaviour.

So if narcissists experience feeling of guilt then then why does the behaviour continue, sometimes even get worse over time? Well narcissism exists on a spectrum. There can be low level traits right up to a personality disorder, and the key word here is disorder. The traits are extremely high, long term and pervasive.

Much of the literature on narcissistic personality disorder suggest narcissists have impaired self-reflection, which limits their ability to process guilt into something transformative which can enable growth, a their emotional landscape tends to be dominated by self-protection, rather than introspection. Which is one of the reasons why they keep doing and saying the same things over and over again, until others accept it as normal. The more they get away with it, the more it becomes normalised. The more it becomes normalised, the less they might be challenged. The less they’re challenged the less guilt they have to feel. Which is one of the reasons behind why the continually grind others down.

So it’s never a one size fits all answer, it often depends on where someone is on the narcissistic spectrum, their life experiences, the situation, as well as the other person or people who are involved. But when it comes to guilt, regardless of where they are on the spectrum, narcissistic people tend to have their own moral code which often changes depending on the situation, their audience, sometimes even their mood. They also tend to have double standards and can criticise, even condemn others for doing the things they do themselves. Because when they do it there are mitigating circumstance, there’s a reason for it, or it’s someone else’s fault. When others do it there is no excuse. They’re just bad and that’s all there is to it. So what we often see is a rejection of responsibility, a rejection of reality.

Now there are those at the extreme end of narcissistic personality who may never feel any guilt or remorse for their actions. They believe they are entitled to do whatever they like, they are special, and to Hell with the casualties. But many, typically mid range narcissists can experience guilt. However it’s usually shallow and short-lived. So they may feel guilt at the moment they do or say something and they see the impact of it. They might think ‘Bloody Hell I’ve went too far this time. However the feeling is very quickly rejected because their maladaptive, self prioritising defence mechanisms kick in.

With narcissism there is also a lack of empathy for other people. A lack of empathy but not no empathy. Which means they can see how their behaviours can hurt others but either might not fully understand why it’s an issue, or they just don’t care. They prioritise their own needs and demands over everything and everyone else. So for instance if they were caught cheating there can be a fleeting feeling of guilt, but their own desires and their false self image is more important than other people never mind moral accountability. Also the feeling of guilt quickly turns to shame because not only are they thinking about the consequences of what they’ve done, but they know you are as well. This might bring up a fear of being exposed to other people, who will then be thinking about it as well.

So there can be a fear of being seen as bad, flawed, not being in control or whatever, but rather than learn from their regret, they recalibrate their moral compass and the responsibility becomes externalised. The person they cheated with seduced them, made them do it. Or the partner is inadequate somehow, so they were driven into the arms of someone else. They begin to rewrite the narrative where they are either the hurt party, or just an innocent bystander in their own life. But whatever it was they did or said that caused pain, they can go through all manner of mental gymnastics to rationalise why it had to happen, why they had to do or say whatever it was.

But here’s the strange thing, even if they don’t get to tell the version they created to the person they hurt, they’ll tell anyone who’ll listen, even complete strangers. Because to a narcissist, the more times they tell it, the more true it becomes.

Now sometimes if they go too far and there is a fear of consequences, perhaps losing you forever there may be long winded over dramatized apology, sometimes posted on social media for everyone to read. Now they might not mention what actually happened, but they might talk about how deeply sorry they are, how much they regret what happened, they just want the world to end right now. They never meant to hurt you and have no right to ask for forgiveness…and then go on to ask for forgiveness. Now I would suggest in many cases this is more about mitigation rather than having genuine remorse.

Narcissists fear social disapproval so if unable to weasel their way out of something through blames shifting they’ll pretend they can’t live with themselves because they’re so awful. Here we see the damaged, flawed, misunderstood hero trying to make amends, and you’re the villain for not forgiving them. Other times you’re not going to get a genuine apology or acknowledgement for the impact of their behaviour, but rather an explanation of why it happened or how they feel about it. But any guilt they may feel rarely deepens into genuine remorse. Again, it may morph into shame, which is often at the core of narcissistic personality. But this shame is less about a moral failing and more about threats to their self-image.

For a narcissist, shame is intensely uncomfortable and must be rejected because it clashes with their need for superiority. Which is why they tend to live in denial.

Now further down the line, at some point in the future, guilt may still come up from time to time but again what happened, even though historic, is rejected and rewritten for a version that suits them.

To summarise, narcissists feel shallow, short-term guilt usually tied to external consequences, not deep remorse. The guilt can turn into shame, but it’s typically about threats over how others might see them, threats to their self-image, not moral failing. They often deflect, rationalise, contort reality rather than process and learn from it.

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