Gotcha Questions, and how to handle them

Transcript from video

People often associate gotcha questions in interviews and debates with politicians, however they can come up in workplaces, relationships, in social groups, and these days, especially on social media. But what are gotcha questions? They are questions that are designed to put someone on the defensive, to trap them into saying something specific, or to confuse and disorientate. They can be a tactic aimed at manipulating conversations by framing questions in a way that no matter what the response, the answer can be twisted and used against the person being asked. Or they can be questions aimed at discrediting someone, therefore their opinions are invalid. For example, someone says, “The weather’s nice today” and someone jumps in with, “Are you a meteorologist?”

But gotcha questions are a form of psychological manipulation that put their target into a state of self-defense and often at an emotional disadvantage. They aren’t about seeking clarity, or opening dialogue, quite often they’re used catch off guard, trap, discredit, or undermine someone by asking a loaded, misleading or highly a personal question. They can be questions that someone is afraid to answer honestly for fear of the consequences. Questions that no matter what the response, the person asking always gets to ‘win’ somehow.

There are different kinds of gotcha questions, for instance emotionally charged questions. Questions like these are designed to elicit an emotional reaction, which the person asking can then use as proof that the target is irrational, uninformed, stupid or evil. Skilled Manipulators know it can be difficult to answer calmly and rationally when provoked, so they try to trigger emotional responses.

Next, there are questions that create a false dilemma. For instance be in a relationship a manipulative partner might ask, “Why are you visiting your family, do you prefer them to me?” So the question is loaded with an accusation that implies a lack of commitment which puts the partner in a difficult position. Regardless of their answer, they’ll feel guilty for offending someone, and either answer can be used to attack them.

Similarly there’s what’s known as a false dichotomy, this is where someone presents a question which only offers two choices, such as “Do you care about this thing here or are you too selfish and full of hatred?” These types of questions try force people to defend one choice against the other, when in reality, both can exist, both can be true or false at the same time.

Then there are questions that contain loaded assumptions. An example could be, “Why are you always so offensive?” The assumption here is that someone is always this way and answering the question forces them to justify something they’re not, or justify a behaviour they don’t engage in regularly.  Sometimes though the assumptions can be vague or ambiguous to create confusion. Questions such as, “Why would you say something like that?” So the target is left guessing why their answer was wrong, which keeps them off-balance and unsure of how to respond.

Social dynamics play a large part in some gotcha questions. There can be questions that imply someone is guilty or has failed in some social or moral way. For instance, “Don’t you care about other people?”

Lastly, there are barrages of questions that feel more like an interrogation. The manipulative person keeps asking ‘why’, ‘how’, ‘where’, ‘when’, demanding every detail be clarified and challenging every answer. This keeps their target in an ongoing loop of explaining and justifying themselves to someone who is only listening to what they can use to keep their target in a state of having to justify themselves. This tactic keeps people in a state of defensiveness and drain them of their energy.

But regardless of the type of gotcha question, the answer is generally interpreted and presented back in the least favourable, least genuine way making the other party look uninformed, biased, hypocritical or stupid. These are all questions that stir up feelings of guilt, embarrassment, self doubt and can force people to explain or justify themselves, become defensive and they try to prove they’re not guilty of ‘wrong think’.

So how can you recognise gotcha questions? Well some questions may be difficult to answer but they’re not necessarily aimed at catching you out. But the following are some indicators you might be getting set up with a ‘gotcha’. But firstly think about who is asking the question. Is it someone with a history of manipulation and coercion? Is it someone who has not misunderstood and is asking for clarity, but misrepresented something you’ve said? Is it a faceless troll on social media accusing you of ‘wrong think’?

Secondly, does the question have an embedded assumption that makes you look bad, uninformed or guilty regardless of how you respond?

Thirdly, Is the question a closed one that limits the answer to only two choices. Does it allow room for context or nuance, or does it seem as if you’ll be seen in a negative light no matter what you answer?

Number four, are the questions vague, non specific? Do you feel you have to decipher what’s really being asked, as if you have to follow a trail of clues. If so it could be a set up to catch you out in some kind of contradiction.

Five, the questions imply dishonesty, insincerity or poor character on your part without actually naming it.

Six, are the same questions, maybe with slight variations, but over and over again. It could be someone wants you to say something specific and you haven’t said it yet. Either that or they’re trying to catch you out in a contradiction.

Number seven, are rapid fire questions in quick succession that don’t allow you to actually answer. This could be a sign someone is trying to trip you up rather than hear what you have to say.

Lastly number eight. Questions you’re afraid to answer openly and honestly because you fear saying something that will be used against you.

So there are some things to look out for in ‘gotcha’ questions. Now the last part. How do you respond? Remember that gotcha questions tend to be aimed at discrediting, trapping, creating doubt and wearing down not only in the person being asked but also others who may be listening as well. So try to remain grounded and avoid emotional or impulsive answers. Remember, when being provoked, when we react, they have control. When you respond you have control.Also, think of the actual question, what the agenda could be, and ask questions back.

For instance, a if you get a question like, “Why are you always so stupid?” You could ask “When am I stupid? Give me an example of when I’ve been stupid? What is it I do that you think is stupid? How is that stupid?” Asking questions to seek clarity shifts the burden back to the person asking the question and can force them to reveal their intentions. It also works by challenging the underlying assumption as well.

There can also be being direct without being aggressive. For instance if someone is being vague and ambivalent, why not just ask, “What is you’re actually asking me?” If someone keeps asking the same questions over and over again, you can remind them you’ve already answered.

And lastly, which is my go to, if a question or comment is aimed at trying to make you feel defensive or inadequate, maybe it doesn’t deserve an answer.

Understanding these tactics empowers us to take a step back, evaluate the intentions behind questions, and respond—or not respond—in a way that maintains your integrity and peace of mind.

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