How Boundaries are Undermined

Transcript from video

When you set a boundary, there are some people who would see your boundary almost like a sense of betrayal to them. How dare you? They could be so entitled. They believe they’re entitled to everything, entitled to your time, your energy and your resources.

They’re entitled to behave any way they like. But they also lack empathy, which means they find it very difficult to put themselves in your shoes, to understand, or even care in some cases why something might not be okay.

But the thing is, when it comes to our boundaries, remember, we don’t always have to be rigid. Sometimes we can be flexible. There are some things which might be open to negotiation. There may be some things that are not negotiable, they are a red line. I think it’s useful, it’s helpful to be able to discern the difference because sometimes you might be talking to someone, you’ve set a boundary, you’ve said no to something, and, someone might try to negotiate with you. They want to put their case across. What they want is maybe an honest discussion. They want to come to some kind of agreement, some kind of arrangement. Other times you’re going to meet someone that is going to be very manipulative.

As I say, other people’s rights, other people’s autonomy mean nothing to them and they can’t see anything wrong with how they behave. Many cases you are the problem for not only seeing it, but for pointing it out.

Remember, everything they do is about trying to wear you down. It’s about trying to grind you down until you either give in, you comply, or you at least give them something.

So the first one would be whatever it is you might say, notice something, they go ahead and they do it anyway. So they just completely ignore your boundary. Now, the example could be maybe they ask if they could borrow something, they want to borrow your hammer or something, and you say no, you don’t want to let them borrow it because you let them borrow one before, you never saw it again, you let them borrow one another time, they broke it or something.

So this time they want to borrow your hammer and you say no, but they just take it anyway, and whenever you call them out on it there’s this feigned innocence, this feigned confusion.

It’s like, “Oh, I thought you said yes.” And they get very confused. Also, they’re not expecting consequences. This is the curious thing. Even if they go ahead and do whatever it is they’re not expecting consequences even if you warned them there would be consequences.

Again, they’re entitled. They don’t expect consequences. They expect you to just comply with them.

The second one would be just denial. So if they’ve been behaving in a particular way and you tell them that’s not acceptable, you’re not putting up with it anymore, it really bothers you. They deny they’re doing anything wrong. They don’t understand why you would have a problem with it. Because especially with narcissistic people, if they were to accept that they had been doing something wrong, that would mean having to acknowledge they were wrong and that has to be rejected. You are the person who’s wrong again for not being okay with it or for pointing it out. So there’s that denial. They don’t remember doing whatever it is you’re accusing them of. They don’t remember it happening the way you remember it.

Sometimes you might even get questions. Again, there’s this feigned confusion. “What is it? What are you talking about? Give me an example of when this happened?” And you could give them countless examples, and they will look at you again, very confused, very surprised.

They have no idea what you’re talking about. You are clearly the crazy one.

But the thing is, if they can’t deny it, let’s say a dozen people watch them do it, there’s video footage, there’s undeniable evidence, if they can’t deny it, then they will try to distort it somehow. Okay, they may have did it, but there’s no concept of the impact of their behaviour. Because it couldn’t have been that bad. It wasn’t that bad. You’re clearly overreacting. Either that or that’s not what they meant, or that’s not how they meant that. You are clearly twisting this.

You will also get a lot of justification. They only did whatever it was because of something you did or said. So again, there’s this distortion and they’re trying to twist things again to try to make you feel as if you’re the bad person for even pointing it out. Remember, you’re dealing with someone who struggles to take any responsibility or any accountability for themselves.

Another example, is when they invalidate your no. Whatever it is they’re asking you for, whatever it is they want you to do, whatever it is they want you to accept, whatever behaviour it is they want you to accept from them they will try to grind down your no by invalidating your ‘no’.

So they will want reasons, not explanations. They do not want anything in a particular context. They don’t want you to give an account. What they want are these ongoing explanations of what this means, what that means. Really, all they want to do is find information so that they can undermine it. Whatever it is, that’s not right. That’s not fair. What about, the time I did something for you? I don’t understand what you’re talking about, but a moment ago you said this or that’s not what you said five minutes ago.

It’s all about getting you to doubt yourself. No matter what you say, they will keep demanding some kind of explanation, and what you might find is it’ll go off in many, many different directions, which usually has nothing to do with what we’re talking about in the first place. They’re really looking for anywhere or anything where they can find some kind of a loophole.

The example would be, let’s imagine they want you to do something for them, but you can’t because you’re at work or something. You can’t just get up and leave work. So you might get a lot of questions like, “How long will you be in work? What is it you’re doing in work? Why is that important? How long is that going to take? What stops you just saying you have to go to the dentist or something. Why is that more important?” They keep asking you these questions to try to make it difficult for you to say no.

Everything you say will be undermined with another question. Because remember, you are dealing with that lack of empathy. They can’t put themselves into your shoes. They don’t particularly want to put themselves into your shoes. What they want is the most important thing.

Them getting their needs met or their whims met, as is often the case, is much more important. They should be your priority. It’s like your world has to stop for them, and anything you’re doing instead, your plans, your boundaries, whatever it is, they’re an inconvenience.

So again, no matter what you say to them, there will be a way to undermine it. There will be more and more questions to the point where sometimes they just grind you down, you give in and you end up saying, “If I do it, will you be quiet?” They’re not really interested in how frustrated you are, just so long as they get what they want and they don’t really care what it’s going to cost you.

Now, another one would be, and it’s a very common one, I’ve talked about this quite a lot, is how they will try to shame you or try to guilt trip you. Your ‘no’ is the cruelest thing they have ever heard. How could you?Their pain and misery is proof of your neglect and your abuse and so on.

“After all they have done for you.” And if you don’t give them what they want, if you don’t do what they say, if you don’t allow them to continue behaving the way they’re behaving, terrible things are going to happen and it’s all going to be your fault.

You might even get the odd little threat that if you keep pointing out their bad behaviour, they’re going to tell other people what a horrible person you are. But again, it’s about, trying to make it very difficult for you to have boundaries in the first place, never mind trying to enforce them.

Because if you were to have consequence, if you were to explain consequences, even do those consequences, again, that’s like an act of aggression. That’s an act of cruelty towards them. That’s a horrible thing to do to them. How dare you. They try to make you responsible for how they feel, but also responsible for their behaviour.

The bad things that follow are all your fault. They’re all you’re doing because you’re a horrible person for not complying just on that as well. They can switch things. It’s very similar to the, distorting things, the way they switch things around and that’s when they will play the victim.

They will try to justify or excuse their behaviour. It’s because of their terrible anxiety. It’s because that last person was so mean to them. It’s because they’re having a bad time at work. It’s because of something you said about an episode of friends back in 1998.

Whatever it is, there’s usually this switch. What they’re trying to hijack your empathy, your sympathy and your compassion because they want you to sympathise and empathise with their reasons for what they do and, to ignore the impact that that has on you.

They’re trying to take the focus off your pain and onto theirs. Again, you are responsible for how they feel.

Another way they can switch things is to try to turn whatever the accusation is to try and turn it on to you. You are the one that does these things. “What about you said this? What about the time you did that?” They’ll try to turn this around, that you have to defend yourself, and you’re putting a lot of energy into defending yourself, quite often for things that you don’t know anything about, something you don’t do at all, but you’re having to defend yourself.

And the more energy you’re putting into that, the less energy you’re putting in to, managing and enforcing, reinforcing in some cases, your boundary. So they keep on giving you this work to do. They keep on trying to make it difficult for you to stand your ground.

Another thing they’ll do is they will just punish you. How dare you? Who do you think you are? They might get angry. You’ll see a temper tantrum. You’ll see rage. Sometimes you might even get silent treatment. You’ll be ignored, and in some cases they will be overly friendly and overly attentive towards others in front of you while they’re ignoring you to lead you to believe that you have done this bad thing and they’re too angry.

They’re too upset. Another way they can try to punish you is to try to embarrass you, try to shame you publicly. They might just say in front of somebody, “He’s too mean to let me borrow his hammer.” Again, this is said publicly and the aim is to try to embarrass you.

So I often say once you see it, you can’t unsee it.