Induced Conversation

Transcript from video

An "Induced conversation" refers to a discussion that is prompted by a particular action, question, or intervention. Conversations can be induced in different situations such as research questions and surveys, educational settings, in businesses, pretty much anywhere where the goal is to encourage people to talk, maybe share or explore ideas, or perhaps seek feedback in a meaningful way.

In the context of narcissism it refers to a tactic used by narcissistic people to steer conversations a particular way, usually in a way that serves their needs, desires or ego. There are some overlaps with conversational narcissism in the sense that both stem from a self centred perspective, but there are differences.

Conversational narcissism involves habitual self-centeredness in conversations, it’s when a narcissistic person can turn any topic to be about themselves or their own experiences without much thought. Induced conversation however is a more manipulative form of communication. It can be more refined and have a strategic intent. It isn’t just restricted to narcissistic people. For instance someone with borderline personality might find reasons to contact someone such their partner when they feel high levels of anxiety due to fearing abandonment. A conversation is induced in order for them to try to resolve their anxiety.

But when it comes to narcissistic personality I’d suggest there are four main reasons for inducing a conversation and the first reason is about control. Narcissists often seek to control conversations to ensure that the focus remains on them, or about subjects they know about. So they may induce conversations by bringing up topics they are knowledgeable about or interested in to show their depth of knowledge or experience thereby directing attention toward themselves and seek admiration.

Or they might ask a question about how someone is only to be able to offer what they believe to be great advice. The advice however is usually self serving. Usually so they can sound wiser or more confident than you. Another example could be bringing up what they claim is a ‘much needed conversation’, only to turn it into being more like a monologue where they get to dictate rather than discuss. So they don’t really listen to the other person. Or they could ask a question such as, “Did you hear about….something that happened.” and it really doesn’t matter if you’d heard about it or not. They’ll launch into everything they want to say about it.

Secondly there’s inducing a conversation to seek validation. These generally tend to be conversations where they want others to see their achievements, experiences, or qualities the way they do. So this could involve a story about something that has happened and how they feel about it or how dealt with it. But it usually ends questions like “Wasn’t that terrible what they said or did’ or, “You think I did the right thing, don’t you?” Commonly they’ll tell a version of something that has others agree with them.

Thirdly there’s inducing a conversation to manipulate other people’s perceptions, emotions, actions or to gain information. They might induce a conversation to evoke sympathy, admiration, or compliance. This is a fake conversation that usually involves ulterior motives. So it could be directing a conversation towards topics that highlight their achievements, importance, or superiority. But it can also be aimed at trying to get someone to say something in particular they can use to for their own benefit. For instance it could be to gain information so they sound competent and knowledgeable to others. Or they tell an unflattering story about someone or something, then ask for an opinion, only so they can use it to spread gossip, triangulate, cause contention and conflict between different parties.

They can be quite calculated, steering the conversation strategically with the intention of achieving a specific outcome. The outcome could be to make it difficult for someone to say no to them, or to ask them ‘gotcha’ questions. These are questions aimed at trapping people into making statements that might be damaging to their integrity, credibility or character, regardless of the answer they give.

Another example could be a when they create a reason to contact someone. For instance a partner could be out with friends and they’re contacting them with some kind of emergency, or complaining how they’re at home all alone. Or contacting an ex-partner talking about how they miss them so much, don’t want to be without them, or perhaps demanding a conversation to resolve something that has little to no importance or relevance. Again, these conversations tend to be false but are aimed at keeping someone engaged in some kind of communication.

Lastly, narcissistic people may induce a conversation in order to provoke a reaction from others, whether it’s anger, envy, jealousy, or admiration. The aim of these kinds of conversations are often to reinforce their own sense of power and control and to either impress or disempower others. So they might start a conversation where they talk about something they have accomplished or some act of altruism in order to impress. Other times they might have conversations aimed specifically at devaluing or disempowering someone. For instance they might begin a conversation about how much they disapprove of people who hold a particular belief, why it’s wrong, evil, or whatever, but knowing they are talking to someone who holds that belief. This isn’t to initiate a debate as such, it’s more judgmental than critical and is aimed at trying to cause discomfort and provoke some kind of reaction.

General examples of conversations aimed at provoking specific reactions could be making false accusations against someone, trying to humiliate or embarrass someone publicly with cruel humour. There could be harsh criticism and judgment. Or in order to provoke jealousy and insecurity there could be mentioning how others appreciate them more, or finds them more attractive. Or how someone else might make a better partner or be able to do something so much better than their target. If the reaction they want is something like anger, outrage, jealousy or whatever, and they get it, they then focus on the reaction as evidence that their target is aggressive, insane, jealous or controlling or whatever. They don’t focus on what they did to provoke the reaction.This is commonly referred to as reactive abuse.

To summarise, induced conversation in the context of narcissism is a deliberate strategy employed by narcissistic individuals to maintain control, gain validation, manipulate others, or provoke reactions, ultimately serving their self-centered goals. Unlike conversational narcissism which tends to be more about monopolising and dominating conversations and often lacking awareness, induced conversations are often characterised by manipulation. They seek out reasons to start conversations and steer them in the direction they want to go. There is intent, and usually they are listening for the responses. The conversations tend to be quite fake yet can be strategic and deliberately aimed at achieving specific outcomes. Some narcissistic people can be highly aware and purposeful in guiding their conversations.

Also, unlike conversational narcissism, conversations can be manipulated as needed, rather than always having to dominate them. In some cases they actually want their target to speak more than they do. But when you get to know a narcissistic person well enough, you might begin to sense when the conversation is fake, it doesn’t flow naturally, it feels steered in a particular direction. You recognise you’re maybe being asked specific questions and you can see them studying you for your response. Sometimes it might feel as if the conversation has been well rehearsed.

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