Intermittent Reinforcement

Transcript from the video

Reinforcement is a fundamental concept in psychology, derived from the work of behaviourist B.F. Skinner. It’s a method used to increase or decrease the likelihood of a behaviour recurring. There are two main types of reinforcement, positive and negative. Positive reinforcement involves giving a reward following a desired behaviour. For example, in a workplace there’s praising someone for their efforts, maybe giving them a bonus. Negative reinforcement, on the other hand, involves removing an aversive stimulus when a desired behaviour occurs, such as a reduction in criticism when someone increases their efforts.

Narcissistic people can be experts at using both types of reinforcement, but they employ a more sinister version called intermittent reinforcement. This can be particularly powerful because it creates a cycle of hope and despair, and make it difficult for victims to break free. What can make the Intermittent reinforcement sometimes difficult to spot is the unpredictability. The rewards and punishments are given at irregular intervals, so the victim might just be thinking ‘they’re just having a bad day’, and at first be sympathetic, accommodating, forgiving. But as it continues over time, they are constantly on edge. They never know when they will receive praise or when they will be criticized, creating a rollercoaster of emotions.

Now during what’s often referred to as "love-bombing" phase, manipulative people often use positive reinforcement to create a strong emotional bond. There’s excitement, praise, positive affirmation, promises, fun, romance. Once the victim is emotionally invested, the narcissistic person slowly begins to withdraw their affection and introduce criticism, upset, silent treatment and so on. They alternate between moments of kindness and moments of cruelty, moments of affection and moments of indifference. One day there’s praise making the victim feel valued, loved. The next day, they might criticize harshly for trivial matters, leaving the victim both confused and hurt. This erratic pattern of reinforcement has victims in a state of anxiety, craving the positive reinforcement and dreading the negative.

Over time, victims become conditioned to tolerate the abuse in the hope of receiving occasional rewards, be it little breadcrumbs of affection, sometimes even just acknowledgement. However when someone begins to pull away they recreate the emotional bond by stopping the criticism, the neglect and abuse and re-introduce flattery, praise, rewards and promises of a wonderful future. This is the essence of intermittent reinforcement -  the unpredictability of the reinforcement creates a powerful psychological grip as victims live in hope that maybe this time I’ll get it right, maybe this time they’ll deliver on their promises, maybe this time everything will be good. The cycle of intermittent reinforcement can lead to a phenomenon known as "trauma bonding." This occurs when a victim forms an emotional attachment to their abuser due to the intermittent reinforcement of abuse and kindness. This bond is incredibly strong and difficult to break, as the victim becomes emotionally dependent on the abuser. The occasional rewards are powerful enough to keep victims hooked, always hoping for a return to the "good times."

So how does it affect people? Well firstly the unpredictability keeps the victim in a state of constant anxiety, always trying to avoid the negative behaviour while craving the positive reinforcement. Victims become conditioned to seek approval and avoid displeasure, often at the cost of their self interest and well-being. A powerful psychological dependence on the abuser can form, making it extremely difficult for the victim to leave the relationship. Because if someone was a monster all day and everyday the abuse would be easy to spot. But because there have been good times, and are still moments of kindness, affection and so on, it can sometimes be difficult for victims to recognize it.

Also, the mixed messages, the conflicting behaviours of the narcissistic person cause cognitive dissonance, where the victim struggles to reconcile the narcissist's loving and abusive actions. Many victims of narcissistic abuse have reported a compliment, a kind gesture was immediately followed by a sarcastic remark. For instance, “You look nice”’ or, “You did a good job there…. For a change.” Or vice versa, a degrading remark in front of others aimed at humiliating was followed by a friendly hug or a compliment about how good they are at something.

Sometimes victims try to rationalize the behaviour, sometimes blaming themselves, sometimes trying to figure out a way to fix the relationship. Or thinking there’s something wrong with them for not being okay with the behaviour.The internal mental conflict that takes place due to the mixed messages can further entrap the victim in the relationship, and they can struggle to see the situation objectively due to what seems like conflicting realities. The abuser’s criticism and devaluation can leads their victims to internalize negative beliefs about themselves. They question their self-worth and abilities, as the intermittent praise contradicts the frequent criticism. Over time, this erodes the victim's self-esteem and self-confidence, making them more susceptible to further manipulation. The victim's world becomes centred around the narcissist, who controls their emotions and perceptions.

Now Breaking free from the cycle of intermittent reinforcement used by narcissists can be challenging, and there’s never a one size fits all answer as everyone’s situation can be different. But some ideas to help is to first of all recognise the patterns. Yes the behaviour can be unpredictable, quite often depending on the mood of the narcissistic person, but there are still patterns. For instance the positive reinforcement might come when they want something from you. The silent treatment, angry outbursts, depression and so on come when you say no, or want to do something in your own interest. The negative reinforcement, the removal of the bitterness, vitriol etc comes when you back down and compromise. So learn the pattern, learn the cycle.

Secondly find a therapist, if you have to try several therapists until you find one you feel comfortable working with. Professional support, such as therapy, can provide the tools needed to rebuild your sense of self, establish healthy boundaries and move forward in life. Thirdly build a support system. Reconnect with friends and family members who can offer emotional support and perspective. Or build a new support network. Consider joining support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Sharing experiences with others who understand can be incredibly validating and helpful. You can also share ideas with each other on what’s helpful. Participate in activities that you enjoy. This can include hobbies, exercise, or learning new skills and Practice self-compassion. Focus on personal growth and rediscovering your identity outside of the relationship. Rediscover Your Self-Worth. Pay attention to those who treat you decently, Remind yourself that maybe you deserve respect and kindness. Set new personal and professional goals that are independent of the narcissist’s influence. If you have to, I know every situation is different but either end or limit any contact.

Lastly, accept that recovery can be a Long-Term Commitment. What happens in coercive relationships doesn’t happen immediately, it’s usually a long, insidious process, a little piece at a time which is why many people don’t realise they are being abused until they’re in the middle of it. So be patient with yourself. It’s a journey, a step at a time. Continue therapy and support group participation even after leaving the relationship to address any lingering trauma. And acknowledge and Celebrate your Progress, no matter how small. Every step toward reclaiming your life is significant.

So in conclusion, Intermittent reinforcement is a powerful tool of manipulation used by narcissistic peoples to control and brainwash their victims. By alternating between positive and negative reinforcement, they create a cycle of emotional dependency, eroding their victim’s sense of self and fostering trauma bonds. Recognizing these patterns and seeking support are crucial steps toward breaking free from the cycle of abuse and reclaiming one's autonomy. Breaking free from intermittent reinforcement requires awareness, support, and a commitment to self-care and boundaries. By taking these steps, you can reclaim your autonomy and begin the journey toward healing and self-discovery. Remember, the healing journey may be challenging, but with the right support and strategies, you can overcome the manipulation and build a healthier, happier life.

Watch the video here: