Limerence

Transcript from video

Limerence is a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe an intense, involuntary emotional state of infatuation which characterised by obsessive thoughts and fantasies about someone, typically, though not exclusively in a romantic context, and it’s usually one sided.

Limerence is different from love, or even just having a crush on someone. It isn’t based on the things that make for healthy loving relationship like commitment, companionship and so on. It’s more an obsessive fantasy and longing rather than about mutual or deep connection. There’s an overwhelming need for reciprocation and it can lead to mood swings depending on the perceived interest or disinterest from the other person, known as the limerent object.

Limerence can affect people in different ways. It can lead to intrusive or persistent thoughts where someone thinks about the other person obsessively. There can be rumination, replaying interactions, and fantasizing about future scenarios, which can amplify limerent feelings. It can also lead to a dependency on someone else for happiness, validation, sometimes maybe even rescue. But there can also be a fear of rejection and this can feel like being on an emotional rollercoaster where someone experiences moments of elation when they believe their feelings might be returned, but also deep lows when they're met with uncertainty, rejection or silence.

A limerent person tends to idealise someone and focuses on their positive attributes and qualities whilst often downplaying or ignoring their flaws, always with an enduring hope their feelings will be reciprocated and feeling despair when they aren’t. An example could be social media where a limerent person idolises someone they follow online. They’ve never met the person, only know what they’ve seen online but they have a perfect image of that person, and the fact that they can communicate directly can add to the fantasy version of the person they’ve idolised. They get a dopamine hit every time they get a response of some kind. But they can experience a huge sense of rejection if they get a negative response, or none at all. In an unhealthy toxic situations and relationships a limerent person may endure a lot of mistreatment to keep the limerent object close to them.

So where does limerence come from? Well it’s never a one size fits all answer but it can stem from unmet emotional or psychological needs, for instance childhood or in relationship neglect, where someone could project their unmet needs onto someone else hoping they will be fulfilled.

There could also be significant life changes or periods of extreme stress which could make someone more vulnerable to experiencing limerence as a way to cope with uncertainty, or as a way to feel a sense of control or purpose through the hope of a new relationship with someone they see as perfect. In some cases there can be the hope of being rescued by someone they admire.

Another possible cause could be how some people who feel socially isolated might latch onto a new the idea of a relationship with heightened intensity, looking for an escape from loneliness. Also, some people already in unhealthy relationships may begin to develop strong feelings and begin to fantasize about someone else they see as their potential soul mate, the person who can save them.

Another potential cause could be having low self-esteem. This might make someone susceptible to limerence as they seek validation from the object of their affection, hoping to feel better about themselves through the perceived love or interest of someone they idealise.

In his book 'The Human Magnet Syndrome', Ross Rosenberg describes how limerence in a narcissistic relationship can be particularly intense because the early stages of the relationship, the initial attention feels like the ultimate validation of the limerent persons fantasies. It’s like a dream come true for them. Narcissistic people often present versions of themselves to perspective partners. They can be attentive, funny, passionate, brave, intelligent, whatever it is the person they are pursuing finds attractive that’s what they model, and that’s the version the person falls for. There can be a cognitive bias where the limerent person ignores flaws, inconsistencies, or rationalizes away negative and unhealthy behaviours.

In one of her video’s Dr Ramini Durvasula said she reckoned in narcissistic relationships limerence looks very similar to trauma bonding, and I would agree it can in some cases in the sense that in a relationship with a narcissist there is a cycle involving acts of love bombing and idealising, but then quickly moves to devaluation and discard. In a narcissistic relationship someone could be desperately wanting feel as if they have some kind of significance to the narcissist, desperate to feel validated but only getting little breadcrumbs of hope here and there to keep them hooked in the cycle.

This cycle can keep someone in a state of hope and despair, as they try to regain the idealised version of the narcissist and the relationship. This also feeds the narcissists ego as they exploit the limerent person’s hopes. As with trauma bonding, when the good times come, the affection, the being noticed, there can be dopamine hit, which is linked to the pleasure and reward pathways in the brain. So intermittent reinforcement from the narcissistic person can create a dopamine loop, which is similar to what you see with addiction. As previously said if a limerent person goes into a relationship with a narcissistic person, they may not just miss the warning signs but may ignore them in the hope of feelings being reciprocated, and manipulative, coercive people can exploit that need for love and reciprocation.

So how do you break the cycle of limerence? Well a good place to start is maybe by seeing a therapist. But also be honest with yourself, which can be difficult but freeing. How realistic are the chances of the relationship or type of relationship you dream of? Are they actually available? Can they really give you what you desire? What is the person you’re obsessing over really truly like? Be honest and be balanced. Recognize intense feelings of limerence are not necessarily true love. Rather they’re an emotional response to idealization. It might be an obsessive infatuation where there is a strong need to have those feelings reciprocated. So do you really want them, or do you want them to want you? Be honest with yourself and accept the reality.

Have realistic expectations of them, as well as yourself. No one likes to feel rejected but others don’t have to feel the way you do. If you want a relationship, choose someone who is available, someone who likes you and is interested in you. Take the time to get to know each other and let love grow naturally. Don’t expect the impossible from them, but also don’t accept breadcrumbs of affection from someone who makes their love highly conditional. If you have to, end it and walk away. None of this might be easy but as I said the support of a good therapist can help.

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