While not all narcissists behave identically, there are several common psychological motivations that can explain why are both drawn to drama and chaos, and also why they create it. Narcissistic people thrive on being the centre of attention, whether it’s positive or negative, and some kind of drama allows them to put themselves at the centre of a situation. They often crave excitement and emotional intensity a some of the ways they get this excitement is to create dramas, crisis, emergencies or mysteries where people have to figure things out for them, rescue them or take some kind of action. If nothing else, it breaks the monotony of their everyday life, puts them at the centre of attention, and they get to feel important and in control.
At a low level they could pretend to lose their keys and have everyone search for them, but a real life example would be somewhere I worked many years ago, shortly after getting a new phone, a staff member told us she was receiving mysterious messages from a strange number. Nothing threatening, just odd, and definitely cryptic. She was quite caught up with who this mystery person was, why they were messaging her and what were the clues leading to? She was showing these text messages to other staff members, trying to get them to guess who they were from and what they meant. But after a few days of intrigue another member of staff told us the number sending the messages actually looked like her old number. So it looked like she had been sending herself messages and trying to get everyone involved in a mystery. This sounds quite silly and childlike, but it seems the aim was to appear interesting and to draw others in to do some kind of work for them. Now by Friday the messages stopped and were never mentioned again. So either her plan didn’t work as no one was interested, or she got bored with the idea and tried to think up another drama.
Secondly, a little bit of drama can give a narcissist something of an ego boost, by either stirring up or participating in some kind of drama a narcissistic person can manipulate people into offering sympathy or validating their perspective. An example could be if something terrible where to happen to someone else, a narcissistic person can shift the focus onto themselves by exaggerating how badly this has affected them personally.
Or they exploit contention and conflict to show their superior intellect, morality or their own victimhood. The contention can also serve to divide and conquer others. Narcissists can either exaggerate or intentionally create conflict to divide groups, pit people against one another, isolate individuals or punish those they don’t like. So the drama enhances their sense of power and control over social dynamics. The concern is often hidden behind fake compassion, empathy or exaggerated outrage. You see this a lot in narcissistic families, workplaces, in communities and is rampant on social media. Narcissistic people can be quite eagerly offended on other people’s behalf.
Another reason for the drama is for control. Now an example could be, at a low level, someone could be out with friends but they keep receiving text messages or phone calls from their narcissistic partner or friend. The constant communication could be over something they are more than capable of handling themselves, such as where they left their phone charger, or how do you switch the kettle on. Or they might start an argument before the partner leaves to go out, and continue the argument via text message when the partner is with their friends. Regardless of whatever the crisis is it’s usually aimed at preventing someone from being able to just enjoy the evening, enjoy the company by showing some kind of helplessness or creating tension. Narcissists don’t like sharing the spotlight with anyone so if you’re enjoying other people’s company, you’re not thinking about them.
Narcissistic people like the idea of you thinking about them, and the constant text messages and phone calls are a way of making sure they’re on your mind. The messages are often aimed at having someone feel they either have to resolve whatever the crisis is, or just return home. Either way it takes them away from their friends.
Next, you might find a lot of emergencies, dramas and crisis in a relationship with a covert narcissist. They’ll portray themselves as helpless, vulnerable, victimised or whatever but usually in desperate need of some kind of rescuing. They might tell their partner all about the difficulties they face yet reject any help or support offered. For instance they might need to be at a certain place by a certain time and they’ve no way of getting there. Now when the partner offers to drive them, they reject the offer in favour of asking someone else. Eventually the partner stops offering due to being constantly rejected, then the covert narcissist complains how unsupportive they are. And this combination of whining, complaining, dry begging then rejecting can drive the partners crazy.
Some narcissistic people create emergencies so they can be the one to jump in and save the day. Now an example could be how they withhold important information that has others in a panic because they don’t know what’s going on. Then they suddenly discover something, or work something out that saves the day. They get to be the hero and everyone is grateful. Or they can create tension among different parties by spreading rumours and gossiping deliberately aimed at causing contention then sit back and watch the conflict. I would suggest this is a form of sadism known as spineless sadism. They make arrows, then hand them to people to shoot at each other and sit back and enjoy the battle. In some cases though they might create the conflict, then volunteer to mediate between the parties and bring peace. Again they earn praise for saving the day, ending the bitterness and this can bolster their status and sense of importance.
Another aspect of the creating drama can be when a relationship is ending or has ended. Rather than want an open and honest discussion, may try to create problems, issues or emergencies to get any kind of response. These crisis can be aimed at either preventing someone from leaving, to bring them back again, or maybe just to keep a line of communication open so they have some kind of contact. Now this could just looking for pity and sympathy, it could be feigned helplessness, but it can also be more coercive and sinister. There could be threats they’ll harm someone, there could be threats they’ll harm themselves. They send text messages threatening to do something to themselves hoping you’ll intervene and rescue them, talk them out of it, give them what they want. Now I’m not saying a narcissistic person wouldn’t harm themselves, or others, but by escalating the threat they are dominating and coercively controlling their victims, by leading them believe they are responsible for what the narcissist’s own actions.
Lastly, the drama, the emergencies can be a way of deflecting from having to face consequences of their own bad behaviour. They can’t deal with whatever they’ve done or said because they’re worried about the neighbours cat. Or they can’t be held accountable because of the terrible difficulties people they’ve never met or really care about are having to face. The various dramas are really just sideshows aimed at deflecting away from having to face responsibility and accountability.
But when it comes to chaos and drama many narcissistic people have a lot of unresolved internal conflicts and issues and may unconsciously project their inner turmoil outwards. By focusing on external problems they avoid a little introspection and facing their own flaws and insecurities. The dramas also give them fuel in the sense that they feed off other people’s reactions and emotions. They have a desperate need for attention and that what drama give them. When they get a response, they’re getting attention. They are being fed. They also play off others people’s empathy and compassion. The issues they report could well be genuine but aren’t necessarily emergencies. They are often either blown way out of proportion, or are something they could manage themselves quite easily. But they still turn to others to get involved in the drama to fuel their need for attention, sympathy, excitement, or the sense of power they feel when rejecting someone’s support.
To a narcissist, problems get them attention, even other people’s problems, and drama makes them interesting. It really doesn’t. Quite often it just makes them hard work.
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