The following are what I call little moments of clarity, times when you actually get to see what’s behind the mask of narcissism, and get an idea of what’s going on with them, how they view you, the world and themselves. These moments tend to be short lived however. It’s not long before they go back to being defensive. They retract the things they said, so people hear things like, “I never said that” or “That’s not what I meant” and so on.
So you might not necessarily hear the following word for word but something close and the first one would be, after a disagreement or series of arguments, and you ask why they are so disagreeable they might say something like, “Admitting you’re wrong is a sign of weakness.”
Not being wrong, admitting you’re wrong. Even narcissistic people know when they’re wrong, mistaken or in error. But even when you know they’re wrong, they know they’re wrong, they know you know they’re wrong they double down on their position, their opinion. To acknowledge it might bring up a sense of shame. They believe they have a need to always be right about whatever it is they’re talking about. They can sometimes make the most bizarre arguments to avoid being seen as wrong, or try to discredit any evidence against their position, or try to insult, threaten or humiliate whoever is arguing against them. Narcissistic people have a false image of themselves being perfect and flawless and this is so easily challenged. So instead, to protect that image the dig their heels in, try to rewrite reality.
Secondly, and similar to number one is, “Never admit anything.” What they mean is not just refusing to admit mistakes or errors, but as a way to avoid any kind of responsibility for any actions which may have negative consequences. They’ll admit to successes, achievements, things that have positive outcomes but not to what could be considered, by them anyway, to be wrong doing. Again here we see the need to appear perfect, flawless, even righteous.
Number three relates to their disagreeable nature, and that’s when no matter what someone does, or suggests, there’s “I always have to change something”. An example would be someone I worked with many years ago would always find fault, difficulties or obstacles when things were being discussed during meetings. She would try to add something that had no relevance or served any practical purpose and this would irritate the Hell out of the rest of us. She just seemed incapable of agreeing with anything. One day, when she saw how frustrated everyone was she just laughed and said, “I always have to find something to change” Now she said it as if it was just a little quirk but it wasted so much of everyone’s time and she could become quite bitter if she didn’t get her way. Narcissistic people like to feel like they have control over things. They like to feel they own ideas, projects and so on, even if that means adding just one tiny detail, it no magically becomes theirs. In their minds they get to take credit for it. Even in personal their personal relationships they find fault, obstacles, better ways of doing things or different ideas entirely when their partners share ideas.
Continuing with the disagreeable nature their number four is when they always say ‘no’ when you ask for something, or offer something, even if it comes from a good place.
Now in a quiet, private moment if you ask why they say no to anything you ask for or offer this you might just hear something like, “It feels like you’re trying to control me.” Again, narcissistic people have a false sense of superiority and like to feel as if they’re in control of everything, and want everything on their terms. They also have an all or nothing way of seeing things so if someone is empowered somehow, they can feel as if they are being disempowered. To accept something from you would be giving you power. To do something you ask, if it’s not on their terms can feel as if you’re in control. Now it can also be something of a confession in the sense that others in their lives, quite possibly narcissistic parents are the ones who control or controlled them, and they’re taking it out on you. Narcissistic people lack insight and often blame people for the things others have done or said to them previously. So in the moment you ask for something, you become whoever has previously disempowered them.
Number five is if you ask why they would ruin something like a special occasion, undermine you in front of others, sabotage your plans, in a brief moment of honesty they might say something like, “I’m just trying to even the score”. Narcissistic people can be very envious and competitive, they can also be quite vindictive. So when they say even the score what they might mean is you had a better time on your birthday than they had on theirs, or you have more experience or skill in a certain area than they do. Or it could be maybe you have done or said something that hasn’t met their expectations, or they perceive some kind of slight, something they have to ‘set right’. One way or another they might not want you feeling too good about something because you might feel better than them.
Number six is when they can be very jealous. So you might hear something like, “If you’re not thinking about me you must be thinking about someone else.” Narcissistic people have a huge sense of entitlement as well as their desperate need for constant attention, admiration and validation. They also don’t like to share the spotlight with anyone. We also see the all or nothing thinking. If you have other friends it’s because you think more of others. If you have other priorities or responsibilities you just don’t care. They can struggle with the thought of people having anything else in their lives that might take the focus from them even for a moment. It can manifest as depression, there’s something wrong with them they can’t hold your attention. Or jealousy, you’re lusting over someone else, or anger - you don’t deserve them.
Lastly number seven, which again comes from the sense of entitlement. So imagine you’re having a discussion about problems in the relationship and they tell you the problems will stop and everything will be fine when you’re more like this, less like that, when you start doing this and stop doing that and you ask, “Well if I do all that what do I get in return?” and they answer,
“Nothing. You have to do all that unconditionally because you love me. You don’t ask for anything in return, that’s just being selfish”. As deluded as that might sound, If you ever hear anything like this, believe them, they’re being honest. Because it’s all about what they want, it’s all about their needs being met. That’s what you’re for. To ask for, or even just need anything in return, well I’ll refer you back to point number four.
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