Narcissistic Mortification

Transcript from the YouTube video

The word mortify means to feel embarrassed or shamed. It can be the feeling of being humilated. It comes from the latin word ‘mor’, meaning death. So if you think of someone narcissistic being exposed as a liar, envious, vindictive. Or reminded they are not superior, above the rules or entitled. Imagine the shame that could bring up.

Narcissistic people have a fake, a false but very fragile sense of self at their core, and because their version of themselves, their version of the world is distorted, often deluded, it’s constantly at odds with reality. They believe they are entitled without having to actually earn anything. They have an inflated sense of superiority so they expect a certain status without the hard work or the responsibility. They believe they are special and amazing. They are the most attractive, intelligent, bravest, wittiest person you’ll ever meet, and others should feel privileged to be allowed to be a part of their world.

Some of the common behaviours which reinforce this distorted version of themselves include grandiosity, hyper morality, virtue signalling, public generosity and altruism, intellectualising. There can also be perpetual victimhood and helplessness. It’s really whatever gets them their attention and validation. In order to protect this version of themselves we see a multitude of maladaptive defence mechanisms including denial, deflection, projection, gaslighting, anything that keeps reality at bay, anything to keep them from the shame and humiliation of others seeing who and what they really are. Which among other things can be, just ordinary, like everyone else.

So the mortification comes when reality hits and it cannot be denied or ignored. They are responsible for their actions. They’re not superior by default. They are flawed and capable of error. There are things they don’t know, things they can’t do. Other people have skills and qualities they don’t. When reality sinks in they can feel defeated, deflated, humiliated. Sometimes even outraged.

So some of the ways reality hits home and they feel mortified can be firstly being held accountable for their actions. Narcissistic people don’t believe they ever do anything wrong. To be held accountable for bad behaviour would shatter that belief. They want others to accept responsibility for those parts of them that bring up shame. Which is why they often project the things they are guilty of onto other people. For instance it is others who are envious. It is others who are selfish and cruel. It's how they regulate themselves. When challenged or confronted they often employ the DARVO method. This involves denial whilst attacking the person who challenged them from a sense of victimhood.

But when they have no excuses or one else to blame and are being held accountable this can bring up intense shame, especially when it happens in front of other people. This could also include any form of criticism, even if it’s constructive. Criticism reminds them they are flawed and can’t do everything perfectly. Quite often, instead of considering feedback constructively, they dismiss the critic's opinion as irrelevant or launch a personal attack on their credibility, or they attack the credibility of the information that challenges them. Criticism can feel like an attack on their very core, others can see their errors, and this brings up shame and humiliation.

Next is failing at something publicly, even something small like mispronouncing something or saying something out of context when trying to show off their intellectual prowess, and someone corrects them. The embarrassment of sounding silly whilst trying to sound superior can lead to some incredible excuses as they try to avoid mortification. They double down, dig deeper holes for themselves. One of the fears of failing or being in error might lead to a perceived loss of status which can be terrifying for narcissistic people.

Feeling irrelevant can also be terrifying. Narcissists tend to surround themselves with enablers, those who collude with their versions of events, versions of themselves. They need those people to prop up their house of cards for them. When they meet people who don’t take their exaggerated stories seriously, call them out on discrepancies, stick to facts and reason rather than emotive arguments, they feel lost. It can also happen when someone stops listening to them, stops trying to reason with them, no longer tries to please or pacify them. They don’t answer texts or emails. They give no reaction to the narcissistic persons excuses, pleads, demands or outrage. They treat them with indifference. Narcissistic people need constant attention and if they can’t get positive attention negative attention will do just as well. They feed off the attention. So when people show they’ve no interest in them they are reminded of their inner emptiness. They have little to no introspection, little to no insight.

So when no one is colluding with them, following their orders, worshipping them, they can feel so alone and might be forced to see themselves as they really are.

There is an inability to encourage and feel pleased for other people’s success, because narcissistic people can feel deeply envious. When they have little to no input in other’s lives they can helpless, even surplus to requirements. It further adds to their feelings of irrelevance when someone completes a project successfully, and they had little to no input in it. They can feel mortified when others knows all they did was constantly moan, and try to hijack it. When people treat them with indifference they feel rejected and that can remind them they are not entitled to attention, special treatment, unconditional love and admiration.

Lastly, something else that can cause mortification is being mistaken about someone they believed themselves to be superior to. Someone they thought they had control over. Someone they thought needed them. Their target is capable of making decisions for themselves and don’t need to run all their ideas past them. Their target is not the version of themselves the narcissist wants them to be or needs them to be.

They try to make the victim seem like the problem, which is one of the reasons we see smear campaigns. They might try to provoke reactions to make their victim look like the abuser. They will go to great lengths to try to gain or regain some kind of control, avoid rejection, accountability. What they want is for the victim to apologise, back down and go back to being controllable and compliant. If you will, they want their victim to apologise for not being okay with how they’re treated. Just so they can feel okay about themselves.

So in summary, narcissism is a shame based disorder. The shame of being ordinary, being flawed. Narcissistic people tend to lack humility. They have a false, distorted version of themselves, others and the world in general. In order to maintain that sense of themselves reality must be rejected at all costs. One of the common characteristics of narcissism is a constant need for validation. Personally I’m not sure that’s the right term. In the sense that we can validate others, doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with them or even fully understand them. We just acknowledge and respect that’s how they feel. I think with narcissism it’s more a constant need for collusion. Their beliefs are like a house of cards. They need others to collude with their deluded fantasies otherwise that house of cards can collapse at the slightest breeze. When it collapses they feel mortified. They will often behave in the most shameful of ways just to try to avoid feeling shame.

Watch the video here: