Narcissistic Mortification

Transcript form the video

The word mortify means to feel embarrassed or shamed. It can be the feeling of being humiliated, and narcissism tends to be a shamed based disorder. Narcissistic people can feel mortified whenever they feel the shame of failure, shame of not being special, or being irrelevant. Most commonly though they can feel mortified when faced with reality. They’re no more special or entitled than anyone else. Or perhaps they’ve been caught out, exposed in some kind of lie. Maybe just facing the consequences of their own actions or choices.

So what happens when a narcissistic person feels mortified? Well the following really depends on the individual, where they are on the narcissistic spectrum as well as other factors which may be present But usually what we see are an escalation of various defence mechanisms in an attempt to preserve their inflated self-image. These behaviours include gaslighting, manipulation, or deflecting blame onto others. They can also engage in grandiose excuses, fantasies or exaggerations of their achievements to bolster their sense of self-worth.

Narcissistic people tend to reject anything they don’t find flattering, even reality, to protect their fragile self-esteem. So when confronted with something they find uncomfortable they deny it. However the denial isn’t always a case of ,“No I didn’t do that”.  They engage in self-deception, deny things they don’t like to themselves.

A personal anecdote would be someone I once know who took a personality test during training at work. It wasn’t that big a deal, it was meant as a bit of fun. No one took it seriously, but he didn’t get the result he wanted, the result he thought fitted his perception of themself. He claimed he didn’t understand the questions, answered them wrong and did the test again during the break to get the answer he wanted, then proudly shared the new result with everyone.

Next, in the aftermath of a humiliating experience, narcissists may withdraw from social interactions or isolate themselves from others. This withdrawal serves to avoid further exposure to situations that threaten their self-esteem or their status. They may also fear being judged or rejected by others, exacerbating their feelings of shame and unworthiness. So they might cut off relationships or avoid environments where they feel their self-image is threatened.

Now they could withdraw temporarily as they try to create a different narrative, to try to shift the focus elsewhere, to try to save face somehow. In some cases they might reappear after a while as if nothing has happened, hoping everyone has forgotten about what had happened. A common belief with narcissism is if you don’t talk about it, it isn’t there. Or they could just disappear form that person, group or situation completely, go find a new partner or friend, a new group to ingratiate themselves into, find a new sources of supply. Then tell stories about how awful the last person or group was.

Thirdly, when confronted with criticism or failure, narcissists often react with denial or outrage. They lose their temper, commonly referred to as narcissistic rage. They refuse to acknowledge any fault or imperfection and instead lash towards the source of their mortification as a way to reassert dominance and control. If they can’t target the source of their mortification they might project their flaws or mistakes onto others, deflecting blame to avoid facing their own shortcomings.

But the anger or rage doesn’t have to be immediate, it can simmer and fester. Narcissists tend to have long memories, and can be quite vindictive as they scheme and plot how to ‘get even’. Not just against those they see as the cause of their mortification but sometimes even those who just happened to be present, other witnesses. They can spend days, weeks, months, sometimes years looking for errors and flaws in others to point out, trying to find ways of humiliating or sabotaging them.

With narcissism what we often see are intense emotional reactions, often disproportionate to the situation, because despite their outward displays of confidence and superiority, narcissists harbour deep-seated feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. When faced with mortification, these feelings can intensify, leading to overwhelming shame and self-loathing. The realization that they are not as exceptional or flawless as they believe themselves to be can be profoundly distressing for them. The gap between their idealized self-image and the reality of their perceived failure or inadequacy can feel insurmountable, leading to a profound sense of despair. They want others to collude with them, to reassure them.

The mortification can trigger depressive symptoms in narcissists, such as sadness, hopelessness, and a loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities. They may lose motivation and purpose, feeling unable to meet the standards they once held themselves and others to. It can also trigger intense anxiety as they struggle with feelings of inadequacy, a lack of control over their narrative, and over other people’s perceptions. There can be an intense fear of exposure.

Which can lead to behavioural changes such as, previously mentioned, significant social withdrawal and retreat from situations, relationships, or social activities they previously enjoyed. Depending on the individual, when faced with reality they run. They could claw the door down to get away to safety.

Their schemes to regain their status or get some kind of revenge can be haphazard, poorly thought out, badly executed and can end up in further humiliation for them.

Some may even engage in self-destructive behaviours, such as substance abuse or reckless actions as a means of coping with the intense emotional pain of the loss of their idealized self image. The loss of what they believe is other people’s admiration.

Lastly, narcissistic mortification can lead to a narcissistic collapse. When a narcissist goes into a collapse, the effects can be profound and sometimes long-lasting. The collapse occurs when their defences break down, and they are unable to maintain their grandiose self-image. They are not flawless, worshipped. They are not feared, they are not admired. No one has to obey them. No one is under any obligation to see them the way they see themselves.

They can undergo something of an identity crisis, as their sense of self is heavily tied to their constructed persona. The collapse forces them to confront a reality they have long denied. In extreme cases, the experience of mortification may manifest as a profound existential crisis, during which they question the very foundations of their identity and self-worth. The loss of their inflated yet maladaptive ego defences can leave them feeling exposed, vulnerable, and utterly lost.

So to summarize, narcissistic mortification is a psychological experience involving intense shame, embarrassment, or humiliation, and can have significant effects on narcissistic people due to their heightened sensitivity to threats against their self-esteem. How narcissists typically react to mortification often reveal the fragility of their self-concept and their reliance on external validation. Their self-esteem is often contingent on external validation; hence, any flaws, criticism, failure or exposures to their vulnerabilities that induce mortification can be devastating. Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement. Mortification directly threatens this self-image, leading to intense feelings of shame and worthlessness.

However, and it really depends on where the individual is on the narcissistic spectrum, but while the collapse of their ego can be a painful and destabilizing experience, it can also present an opportunity for growth and self-reflection. Through therapy and introspection, narcissistic people may gradually come to terms with their vulnerabilities and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

However, true transformation typically requires a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths and engage in genuine self-examination, which can be challenging for individuals with narcissistic tendencies. In many cases the desire for change can be short lived. If they feel the threat has passed, if they maybe have a new audience which colludes with them, bolsters their fragile sense of self up again, as soon as they feel reassured, they go back to how they’ve always been.

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