In families, even though people may not always get along, there is always some kind of connection. There have been many shared experiences, good and bad. We hope for some kind of bond, care, loyalty and so on. Sadly that is not always the case. If someone is narcissistic, there’s a high chance they’ll be narcissistic with their family members also.
Firstly, if they were favoured as the golden child when younger and the other kids were often compared unfavourably, as adults they still behave like they are superior. If they wouldn’t share as kids, if they were bullies, they can be quite selfish and domineering as adults. If they were more covert, manipulative, again they’ll be the same. All the other family members have to do everything for them. The behaviours may be pretty much the same the differences being they have probably learned new ways to do these things as adults. Regardless of how it manifests they can demand preferential treatment and access to more support and resources from the rest of the family.
Now when it comes to family matters they can try to control and dominate. They want to have the last say on any decisions that might not even have anything to do with them. And they can feel as if they have been wronged somehow when other family members act with any kind of autonomy. It’s not necessarily that they want to be consulted, they just want to own any decisions that are made. It’s like you have to ask for permission or approval.
Moving on, all kids do and say silly things at some point. Most of these stories are shared and we can all laugh at ourselves. Not narcissistic people. If a parent or sibling shares a story about something they did or said innocently as a kid, they can take great offence. Narcissistic people believe themselves to be perfect and flawless, they never make mistakes, never get anything wrong. Even the thought of someone mentioning never mind laughing at something silly like how they mispronounced something when they were six years old, no matter how cute it may have been can bring up intense shame in them and their maladaptive defence mechanisms kick in.
That being said, narcissistic people tend to have a long memory, albeit a selective one. If there is contention between them and their sibling today, they can bring something up their sibling did or said many years ago, something they consider to be unfair and hurtful. Something so awful the pain is still present today. Narcissistic people find it very hard to let go of slights, whether real or imagined and can bring them up anytime they feel challenged or criticised.
If there is any contention between them and their brother or sister, they can demand the parent or parents, as well as other family members to side with them. It is the other sibling who is in the wrong and must be treated as such. They can be every bit as vindictive towards a brother or sister as they can to anyone else. This can include ignoring them at family gatherings or refusing to turn up if they are invited. They can turn against other family members who won’t side with them. They can gossip, spread rumours too damage their siblings relationships with others.
Next, narcissists can be very envious and competitive with their family members as well as with others. They might be envious their sibling has a partner, or that they’re single. Just as they would with anyone else, if a narcissist sees their brother or sister with anything they can feel cheated, feel as if something has been taken from them, and this can bring up their bitterness and resentment. They can resent their siblings partner and family, their home, their job, even if they have all these things themselves. They can also be competitive, either showing off how much more successful they are or complain how they have been dealt such a bad hand.
Now when it comes to the parents, even if they weren’t necessarily narcissistic themselves if someone were to mention or complain about the narcissistic sibling, more often than not all they might want is a quiet life, especially as they grow older. Many times when someone has complained about their narcissistic sibling they may have heard things like, “Can you two not just get along?”
or, “can’t you just let bygones be bygones?”, or, “Why don’t you be the bigger person and apologise?” This is really invalidating and devaluing to someone who endures selfish and often abusive behaviour from narcissistic people, and whether they’re well meaning, are afraid of conflict or narcissistic themselves, it actually enables the toxicity.
So to summarise, the behaviour of narcissistic people isn’t just exclusively directed towards partners, children, friends and work colleagues and so on it can also be directed towards their brothers and sisters as well. Given that it is a sibling and you might hope for a healthy, loving and supportive relationship where you can spend time with each other, rely on each other, reminisce about your childhood together unfortunately that isn’t always the case. As much as you might hope they grow up, to become the brother or sister you need, no matter what age they are, emotionally they remain stuck at some childhood stage. Many of the patterns you remember from childhood are still present today, and in many cases, they still see you as the child you once were.
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