Recognising and Managing Boundaries

Transcript from video

What do we mean by the term boundary? Why are they important? How do we recognise them? How do you get people to respect your boundaries?mEspecially those people who just keep on crossing them, no matter how you try to reason with them?

Well, to answer the first question, when you think of your boundaries, you think of your values, your limits, your integrity. You think of what is acceptable and what is unacceptable in your interactions and your dealings with other people. Healthy boundaries can help us to foster mutual respect.

They can help us to communicate our thoughts, feelings, even our needs clearly. And yes, we can certainly respect other people’s boundaries, but not necessarily at the cost of our own. Boundaries can help to establish a sense of self respect and autonomy. They can help protect our emotional, physical, mental, even our spiritual well being.

They can help us feel more understood, prevent resentment, burnout. without them we might feel anxious, stressed, we might even feel exploited, taken advantage of.

There are different kinds of boundaries. There are physical boundaries and this can include our property, our privacy, even physical proximity. We don’t particularly want someone in our personal space, certainly not without our consent. There are emotional boundaries. That’s when we decide what feelings, experiences or opinions we feel comfortable sharing or, or what we want to keep private. Our emotional boundaries can help protect us against emotional drain.

For instance, saying no to someone who just keeps on pestering you or saying no whenever you feel overwhelmed. We have intellectual boundaries. This includes our thoughts, our opinions, and our beliefs. We might refuse to engage in an argument or a debate on something we either know little about or something we find a little too sensitive.

We might not want to give our ideas to someone who will either ridicule them or, or claim them as their own. Nor do we want other people taking credit for our efforts. We can have boundaries around our energy, even our time, how much time and effort we want to give to other people or other projects.

For instance, we might not want to be answering work calls outside of working hours. We might not want to be doing things for other people that they are more than capable of doing for themselves.

We can even have boundaries around our resources. Things like our possessions or our money.

For instance, we don’t particularly want people taking our stuff without our permission. We might want to stop letting people borrow things when they have a history of not returning them.

Now, when it comes to recognising our boundaries, some might be a given. For instance, we don’t necessarily need to tell people we don’t want them stealing from us.

But the thing is, though, there are times when we do not know what our boundary is until it has been crossed. But it is then we have to communicate it well. Remember, it is what is acceptable and what isn’t. Now, in fairness, most people will generally respect your boundaries, even if they’re disappointed by, for example, your no.

But then there are those who will just keep on pestering you, trying to get you to back down, that try to grind you down. They might even emotionally blackmail you. Or they might just keep doing the same things over and over again, just hoping that you will accept it as normal.

They keep on taking your stuff, they keep on asking for money, they keep on lying to you, keep on cheating one way or another, they keep on disrespecting you.

So how do you get people to respect your boundaries, particularly those who keep on crossing them? The short answer is that you can’t. It’s up to you to set them and to enforce them, and you do that by being direct, assertive and consistent. And if you lay down a consequence for a boundary being crossed, you’re going to have to follow it through. Because if you don’t, even if you do something else, well, you’ve just shown that person that you weren’t serious.

I suppose an example of a consequence could be you will disengage if they continue doing what they’re doing. For instance, if you try to guilt trip me, I will just disengage from this. If you insult me, I’ll just leave the room. I will disengage from this conversation if you keep misrepresenting what I’m saying.

Now, a common tactic narcissistic people use is the silent treatment. They do this to try to get people to win their approval back. So they might ignore you. They might just give you one word answers, even grunts. But another aspect of boundaries is what’s mine and what’s yours.

This is their behaviour and their work. So for instance, if you continue to ignore me, then I’m just going to go and focus on something else until you’re ready to engage.

Another common behaviour associated with narcissism is their cruel humour. When someone becomes upset or angry, they’re usually accused of not having a sense of humour or being too sensitive.

Well, again, remember what’s mine and what’s yours. This is their stuff, it isn’t yours. Maybe you’re not too sensitive, maybe you’re just observant.

Now, one way to handle this is if they were to say something really sarcastic, really hurtful, they’re maybe hoping that you’re going to feel really embarrassed in front of everyone. Well, just ask them to repeat what they said. Whatever they have just fired at you has missed and hit the wall because their audience is not looking at you anymore. They’re looking at them. The focus has been put back on them. But one way or another, when it comes to managing your boundaries, it usually does involve having to stand your ground.

Sometimes that can mean just repeating the same thing over and over again. For instance, I’ve already answered you. Or I’ve already said, I am not discussing this any further. Or even I’m not explaining or apologising for something I didn’t do.

Sometimes when it comes to managing our boundaries, sometimes it can mean just calling out the behaviour as we see it. Sometimes it means saying something like, “I know what you’re doing.” “You’re twisting what I’ve said.” “You’re telling a story that is completely out of context.” And again, it can mean standing your ground.

“If you keep demanding explanations to something I have nothing to do with, I’m just going to disengage.” “If you keep interrupting me or talking over the top of me while I’m trying to answer, this conversation is over.”

If they start feeling confusion, they don’t know what you’re talking about. They just don’t understand. Well, maybe you’re not asking them to understand. You’re just asking them to respect your boundaries. Because this is the thing with narcissistic people. The more you explain yourself, the more you try to reason, the more you try to make it simple for them, they’re never going to grasp it.

They will never run out of energy. They could do this all day and every day. Not only are they feeding off your frustration, but they’re also wearing you down. And then they go back to doing what they always do.

So don’t explain why your boundaries are important. Ask them to explain why they think they’re not. Don’t explain why it’s not okay to be treated like crap. Ask them to explain why they think it is. Don’t explain why you don’t like being lied to. Ask them to explain why they think lies are perfectly okay.

Now, the thing is, sometimes we don’t know how someone’s going to react. So you always make sure you’re safe. And this isn’t always about trying to win. This is about disengaging from something that’s toxic and difficult. Think of it as an act of self protection. You’re not punishing anyone. You’re not trying to control anyone. You’re just taking control of yourself. You’re not demanding, nor are you even expecting for them to change. You’re just protecting yourself.

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