Subtle Abandonment and Devaluation in Narcissistic Relationships

Transcript from video

It’s not a nice situation to be in when being devalued but it’s generally easy to spot. There’s criticism, silent treatment, accusations, sometimes open hostility. However, there can sometimes be little subtle signs that aren’t always easy to spot at first. The reason why they can be difficult to spot is because the withdrawal isn’t always physical in the sense that they just get up and leave, or verbally reject. Nor is it an open rejection. The partner isn’t being told to clear off. They just seem distracted, pre occupied, distant. Like there’s something on their mind. Like they’re so deep or something. If those little rejections were taken at face value, they might even seem normal, reasonable. Because there are times when all of us are a little tired, distracted or really just aren’t in the mood. So It’s emotional and can be intermittent.

So some common examples could include firstly, maybe the partner wants to spend some time with them, or wants talk to them but they seem pre occupied, don’t really engage in the conversation. They’re not really listening or just give generic answers. Or perhaps they are watching television and the partner comes in and sits down beside them. They get up and leave, find something else to do which suddenly requires their attention. Every time the partner comes near them they are distracted somehow.

Another example can be when there are changes of plans at the last moment. The narcissistic person develops a headache or an illness of some kind so whatever had been arranged has to be cancelled or the partner goes alone. Or the partner reaches out for a hug or a kiss they turn away, maybe start talking about something as a means of deflection. They may even start talking about their ex, as a way of keeping the current partner at arm’s length.

Now the partner can generally sense something isn’t right they seem distant, distracted, disconnected. But if they were to ask what’s wrong the narcissist might just say nothing is wrong. They don’t know what you’re talking about. Or there could be a story about how concerned they are about something or someone else. They have the weight of the world on their shoulders and the partner wouldn’t understand. They might even claim the partner is being too needy, suffocating them. So they have rejected the partner, but only for the moment. The partner is still there, feeling concern and wondering what they can do to make things better.

Lastly, there could be no responses to text messages or phone calls, certainly not in the way they used to and not immediately. But it’s not that they’re too busy, like at work or something. Maybe they just send one word answers in response. Eventually.

These little mini abandonments create anxiety and insecurity in the partner, who then tries harder to please the narcissist, thereby reinforcing the narcissist's control.

So there are just some general examples but what’s going on?

Well there are several reasons. After a deep personal conversation, where the partner shares their thoughts and feelings a narcissistic person can become distant and aloof. Narcissists struggle with intimacy due to the vulnerability intimacy brings. They fear feeling flawed or inadequate so the withdrawal of attention and affection serves to avoid situations that might make them feel emotionally exposed. It also prevents the development of true intimacy and keeps the relationship superficial and under their control.

Secondly, in the early stages of the relationship there is a lot of idealising the partner and the wonderful future they’ll have together. The idealisation phase however is unsustainable, they can’t keep up the performance for too long. As soon as the partner starts to show any signs of independence or fails to meet the narcissist's unrealistic expectations, the devaluation phase begins. The narcissist withdraws, criticizes, belittles, and withdraws affection. This devaluation serves as a form of emotional abandonment, causing the partner to feel confused, anxious, but desperate to return to the idealization phase.

Next, the emotional withdrawal could be due to envy. For instance, the partner has some good news, such as a promotion at work, or has been praised somehow for their efforts somewhere. Sometimes, even though they may try, they can’t hide their envy and resentment and it comes out as displeasure, disinterest, and so on. The emotional withdrawal serves to undermine the partner's confidence and redirect their focus back to the narcissist.

Another reason can be due to the disagreeable nature of narcissistic people, and their all or nothing thinking. They like to feel as if they’re in control. If they’re being kind, compassionate, paying attention it has to be on their terms. When the partner wants or needs something, in their mind it could feel like the partner has control, is making them be attentive. If the partner has any kind of control they feel they control is taken from them.

Another common motivation for the little rejections, and possibly the most common reason is to maintain control and power over their partners. They leave partners worried, anxious because they aren’t outright ignoring the partner, leaving or threatening to leave them. They are just distant and distracted, often without explanation. It’s inconsistent attention. One day they are affectionate and loving, the next they are pre-occupied, distant or indifferent. Or they want the partner to be concerned for them, to test their devotion, maybe see what they’ll do to try to make them feel special.

But by keeping their partners in a state of emotional turmoil, worry and uncertainty narcissists ensure that they remain the focal point of their partner's attention and efforts. This dynamic allows the narcissist to dictate the terms of the relationship, ensuring that their needs are always prioritized. If the partner communicates feelings of being ignored or neglected the narcissist may accuse them of being too needy, only thinking about themselves, lacking empathy because they have so many important things to worry or be concerned about. This creates both anxiety and insecurity in the partner, who then tries harder to please the narcissist, without asking for anything in return, thereby reinforcing the narcissist’s control.

Lastly, they could be distant because they’re bored. They chased whoever it was, caught them, and now they’re done. They might not have time to engage fully with their partner because they’re thinking up some new scheme to try with someone new. The partner’s attention and validation is no longer enough, but they are still of some value so keep them around with little breadcrumbs of affection and attention.

So to summarize, narcissistic people can engage in small little acts of withdrawal and rejection towards their partners in a variety of different ways, and for different reasons. But partners are often left confused. They know they haven’t necessarily done anything wrong so there must be something else going on that has them so distant, with no time for affection. The partner might try to ease their mind somehow, only to be rejected further. Or they might respect there could be something going, they might give space, but only to be accused later of withdrawing themselves. So it leaves them in a state of insecurity, uncertainty and anxiety, with no idea of the right thing to do.

Watch the video here: