Vicarious Narcissism

Transcript from video

Vicarious narcissism is a psychological phenomenon commonly seen in narcissistic families, cults, ideological movements, sometimes even workplaces, and it’s something that can spread very quickly on social media. Narcissistic people generally have a high level of self-delusion. They believe themselves to be superior and special. They have an inflated sense of self-importance, but they need others to constantly validate this sense of themselves because there’s little to nothing to back up the delusions and fantasies they have about themselves.

But Vicarious narcissism differs in the sense that their superiority and entitlement doesn’t come from just them believing themselves to be special, but rather they get to feel important, virtuous, special or powerful through their association with something or someone else. Their self worth is entirely dependant on the status, achievements, public image of someone else, now that could be a parent, sibling or a cult leader. It’s someone or something they perceive to be, or have been led to believe is superior, noble, righteous, or has all the answers.

Now unlike what you’d see with narcissistic personality where they constantly seek admiration for themselves, with vicarious narcissism they bask in the glory, the success, the power of someone else, or the perceived superiority of a group. So it’s not about the individual as such, they get their supply through being a part of something bigger, or serving someone else’s ego. It’s really an unhealthy dynamic where someone only feels good about themselves when others admire or are in awe of the person they follow, or the group they belong to. They become enmeshed and abandon their own ideas, their own goals to support, praise and bolster up someone else’s ego for their own sense of importance and belonging.

As much as it can be a form of self delusion, it can also be an insidious form of manipulation by narcissistic people in positions of power. Narcissistic people can foster vicarious narcissism through a process known as conditioning. “You’re special because of your association with me”, “When I’m powerful, you’re powerful,” “If they hurt me they hurt you,” and so on. This conditioning often takes place through a series of both positive and negative reinforcement in the people and groups they dominate.

In the context of a narcissistic family, vicarious narcissism can take root when the parents place a child’s worth in the family’s social status. So they might push the child to be high achievers, whether that’s through sports, performances, academics or maybe being part of some group that gains the family attention and admiration from wider society. Perfect parents have perfect children, so they coach the child to do and say the right things that gain them admiration. They don’t see the child as an individual but as an extension of themselves and put pressure on the child to fulfil their need for attention and admiration. So vicarious narcissism can develop in a child in if they feel special when the parent is pleased. They feel ‘chosen’, they feel loved, not realising this is all about the parent, not them, and might grow up neglecting their own needs and identities. Even as adults, any decisions they make are based on how the parents feel.

Another aspect could be when a family has a golden child. They learn to bask in the golden child’s glory, but never to outshine them so play down their own qualities, achievements and skills. They’ll brag about their golden child sibling, only to receive validation through second hand glory.

Now in cults the leaders often exhibit narcissistic, sometimes psychopathic traits and qualities. But members view the cult leader as a superior figure who has all the answers. They see the cult as a good thing doing good things and by aligning with the leader’s ideas and vision their life gains meaning. One of the ways you see the vicarious narcissism in a cult is where someone not only gains a sense of purpose and belonging, but some members might gain a sense of power. There’s a ‘them and us’ mentality which can foster a sense of importance, victimhood or moral superiority, and all the members validate each other.

Members might feel a sense of importance through their allegiance to the leaders brilliance, virtue and power. So the vision and the doctrine of the cult becomes their vision, their doctrine. The leader's success, is their success, and if the leader is being attacked, they are being attacked. So their sense of self is tied to the perceived greatness of the leader and the collective identity, but again, often at the expense of their own individuality.

Some ideologies can also foster vicarious narcissism, and on social media we tend to see it on a grand scale. Now some people might not necessarily believe whatever the ideology is but they’ll tell themselves and others they do because they get to become part of something so much bigger and this can give them a sense of power, belonging and identity they might feel they lack. The movements visibility, success, narrative becomes their own. Their identity becomes intertwined with the collective even though belonging to the collective involves losing sight of personal values, sometimes even reality. If the ideology is criticised, it’s a personal attack on their very core.

But just like in cults they might see it as a good thing, and derive their self esteem, their purpose and sense of self from believing in something they think makes them unique, special, chosen, or superior. Again, all involved validate each other. Now with social media other believers, members could be complete strangers, live on opposite sides of the planet but they believe the same things, hold the same values, dress the same way, repeat the same slogans. They can exhibit a fierce loyalty to each other and their belief system when one of them is criticised. They all pile on to attack whoever is being critical. It’s like an attack on one of them is an attack on all of them. So what we commonly see is a mob mentality.

One of the whistleblowers from the NIXVM cult, Mark Vicente has mentioned many times how he has noticed, not only in NIXVM but in other cults and cult like movements, when the cult leader is exposed as a con artist, a criminal, there are those who remain loyal, even if the cult leader is found guilty in a court of law and imprisoned. Some of the followers refuse to accept the facts. The same can be said for ideologies which are proven to be nonsense, or when a narcissistic family is seen as flawed and just like every other family. Now there can be a myriad of reasons for the loyalty, or the unwillingness to let go of the belief system, but one reason is vicarious narcissism, which can have many different aspects to it.

Firstly if the person they followed was a fraud or everything they believed was false, then they were wrong. This can cause cognitive dissonance so the truth is rejected. To lose what they believe defined them could be crushing so one of the ways they protect their sense of self and reject reality is to claim there has been some kind of conspiracy against them and their beloved leader. Those who exposed their leader or pointed out the flaws in their beliefs are evil and have ulterior motives. Families, cults, ideologies, any system being dominated by narcissists often foster an ‘us versus them’ mentality. Outsiders are the enemy so the seeds of this line of defence are already planted.

Narcissistic people tend to see the world in a low resolution, all or nothing kind of way. If they felt special by being associated with someone or something, rather than accept they were wrong, had been conned, lied to, or whatever, they double down. They dig their heels in, might even go on the attack. Accepting they believed a lie would be difficult enough for anyone but for a narcissist it would bring up too much shame so it’s everyone else who is lying. They are being persecuted, their leader is a misunderstood martyr.

Another aspect can be how they may have had a sense of power and importance and they don’t want to lose that. If the leader has been found guilty of wrong doing they might view that as their position, their status being taken away from them unfairly. Narcissists have a delusional sense of themselves and the world, and like I said tend to reject reality. With vicarious narcissism, they have derived their whole sense of self worth from someone or something else. With their maladaptive defence mechanisms they cannot hold in their head for a moment the thought of any wrong doing having taken place by someone else, that might reflect on their sense of themselves. Again it could cause cognitive dissonance, it could bring up too much shame so the facts, the reality is rejected in favour of a narrative that suits them.

But generally in cults, families, and ideologies we commonly see what’s known as intellectual homogeneity. This refers to the group exhibiting a lack of diversity in terms of perspectives, thoughts, ideas or beliefs. In other words, group think. They all think, act, speak, sometimes even dress the same way, and no one questions anything. Those who do are seen as the enemy and treated as such. This can limit intellectual and cognitive reasoning. It can limit creativity and critical thinking and can lead to a stagnation in growth and learning. People just repeat phrases and slogans they’ve picked up or been taught but can’t fully explain what those phrases they mean when challenged.

So to summarise, with vicarious narcissism we don’t so much see the characteristics associated with narcissism being due to the individuals sense of themselves, but rather through their connection with someone else, some group or some belief system they believe makes them special and important. It happens when someone derives their sense of self worth not through their own qualities and accomplishments, but from the perceived status, achievements or beliefs of others. It’s an unhealthy kind of dependency where someone’s sense of self is dependent on someone else and usually involves them sacrificing their individuality, independence, critical thinking, even their identity for an illusion of superiority, greatness, importance or whatever. It thrives when personal identity is surrendered for the illusion of greatness or belonging and is commonly seen in cults, narcissistic families, and various ideologies. And the consequences can be devastating for the individual when the house of cards they are dependant upon comes crashing down.

Breaking free can take time, work and being honest with yourself, but that’s when people can reclaim their authenticity, autonomy and integrity.

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