Why Narcissists Make You Feel Like You're Nothing
Transcript from video
An aspect of narcissistic relationships which can have a detrimental effect on those exposed to it is how they minimize other people. They minimise their experiences, their feelings, their accomplishments, and just about everything that might matter to them.
The minimising isn’t just a one off comment, it’s a pervasive and damaging pattern of behaviour which is closely tied devaluing, gaslighting and blame shifting. It’s a form of psychological erosion in the sense that it erodes people’s sense of self worth, has them questioning their experiences, and is one of the reasons why so many people who’ve dealt with narcissists describe feeling as if they were small, insignificant, like they just didn’t matter.
It's important to remember that in any kind of relationship with a narcissistic person it’s not a partnership of equals. They believe themselves to be superior, more entitled. They are deserving of special treatment and attention. Other people are there for their benefit. But the exaggerated sense of self-importance is really a defence mechanism against feelings of inadequacy. So if you share something important to you, something meaningful, whether that’s some success you’ve had, a struggle you’re going through, even an emotion, it can feel threatening to them. They fear it might shift the focus away from them, or worse, it might show them that you’re capable, competent, or valuable in ways they don’t want to acknowledge. So when a narcissist minimizes someone, they’re really downplaying or dismissing the importance of that person, their experiences, emotions, or achievements, just to protect their fragile sense of self.
In narcissistic relationships what we often see are double standards. Narcissistic people need constant validation to prop up their false and fragile sense of self, yet they can be very invalidating and devaluing towards others. If they have good news everyone has to congratulate them and admire them. If they have bad news everybody has to stop what they’re doing and scuttle around moving Heaven and Earth to fix things for them.
The minimising can be subtle, sometimes not-so-subtle, but it’s a way of invalidating someone else just to maintain their own sense of superiority or control.
As Dr. Craig Malkin explains in his book Rethinking Narcissism, “It’s not that they don’t see your value – it’s that acknowledging it threatens their own inflated self-image." So to validate someone else might feel as if they are invalidating themselves. They are no longer special.
So an example could be maybe you’ve just shared some good news, something you’re really proud of, maybe you got a promotion at work or you finished a project you’ve been working on. A healthy person might respond with, “Good for you well done I’m very pleased for you.” At the very least they’ll acknowledge your efforts. But a narcissist might say something like, “And I suppose you think that’s a big deal,” or “So what? Anyone could have done that.”
In cases like this the minimising to is to prevent you from feeling good, feeling a sense of accomplishment. Your sense of accomplishment can feel as if you’re taking something away from them. Sometimes they even pivot the conversation back to themselves: “That reminds me of when I did something even better.”
Similarly they’ll criticise and downplay any skills or qualities you might have. For instance, if you can play a musical instrument and they can’t, well, you only think you can play it. “I’ve heard others say you’re not so good at that.”
Sometime what we really see with the diminishing is their envy. One of the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder is believing others are or should be envious of them.
In reality they are often very envious of other people. In her book ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ Dr. Ramani Durvasula, states that, “Narcissists tend to struggle with envy of other people’s successes and qualities. So instead of celebrating them, rather, they downplay other people’s achievements to avoid confronting their own feelings of inadequacy or jealousy.”
But they’ll also downplay any effort you put into something. There will be some form of destructive rather than constructive criticism. You feel pleased about completing a difficult project at work you might hear something like, “Well done for just doing your job”. Or, “You did a good job. How did you manage that?” So they’re not just withholding praise; they’re actively diminishing your effort to keep you in your place.
Another aspect of diminishing is if you share bad news, something awful has happened, or you’re struggling with something. Rather than offering support, even just a listening ear, they might respond with, “You’re overreacting. It’s not that bad.” Or, “That’s nothing compared to what I’m dealing with.” Other times they might claim, “You probably deserved it – maybe if you did the job right you wouldn’t be in this mess.” Here we see the lack of empathy, dismissing your feelings and making you feel like they’re invalid or unimportant.
Next, narcissistic people will devalue and diminish the impact of their behaviour on you. Whatever is going on with you has nothing to do with them. It’s because of some external factor such as you have problems with work, one of your parents has some kind of issue so it must be a genetic thing. Or, as the narcissist’s prayer by Dayna Craig says, “That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it.”
They can perform all kinds of mental gymnastics to contort reality. They might even accuse you of exaggerating to guilt-trip them. It’s trivializing your experience to avoid accountability, or to have to do any emotional work.
Another aspect is how they diminish others is to exaggerate the how you communicate. Even if you’re speaking reasonably, they might claim you’re being aggressive, condescending, pretending to mishear something, claim you’re mumbling or whatever. This is aimed at diminishing your argument.
So a reasonable question I guess could be why a narcissistic person would want someone else around if they’ve no interest in what they think or feel? Wel,l it’s because narcissists cannot function in isolation. They need others more than others need them. As Richard Grannon puts it in his book ‘A Cult of One’, "The narc has been living in denial of their humanity and normal vulnerable feelings for so long there is an entire lifetime of unexpressed, repressed emotions rotting in the depths of their psyche. This is why they cannot stand to be alone.”
They need others to validate and admire them., to collude with their delusions and fantasies. This is known as narcissistic supply. They can’t function without it. They might go into a narcissistic collapse. So the minimising can be part of getting their supply, and/or avoiding the collapse. If you’re succeeding or feeling good about something, they might feel like their supply is being diminished. They need you admire and be envious of them. You’re not going to do that if you’re feeling good about yourself. So, they minimize you to reassert control and keep the spotlight on themselves.
If you’re not feeling so good, or if you’re ill or struggling, well this is an inconvenience to them. You might even require something from them. So whatever it is, it shouldn’t be that bad that it takes your devotion away from them.
So when a narcissist minimises you it’s a way to keep you feeling small, insignificant, to keep you doubting yourself, so they can maintain dominance in the relationship. Over time, the constant minimising can chip away at your confidence, erode your self worth and have you question the validity of your own thoughts, feelings, experiences, as well as your own abilities.
You might even start to internalize their narrative, that your feelings don’t matter, you don’t matter, your accomplishments aren’t of any real significance, or your experiences aren’t valid. Long term exposure to being devalued and minimised can be learning to keep everything to yourself. Not sharing good news or bad news, not expressing any thoughts or feelings for fear of the reaction. Constantly internalising thoughts and feelings can lead to stress, anxiety, low mood and constant rumination.
So how do you deal with a narcissist’s constant diminishing and devaluing? First of all by recognising it for what it is. It’s not the truth, it’s manipulation. It’s a way of keeping you under a state of strain and in constant compliance. A way to keep you feeling inferior to them.
Secondly, even if they won’t respect them, recognise your boundaries. What’s mine and what’s yours. You are allowed to feel good about something. You are allowed to take time out if you need to rest or recover. If something is important to you, it’s important to you regardless of their opinion. And don’t waste your time trying to explain these things. Narcissistic people can be highly disagreeable as well as highly competitive which is why they’ve always done something bigger and better, or no one has to suffer as badly as they do. They are the centre of the universe and you should feel privileged to be allowed to be part of their universe. It’s hard to reason that kind of mindset. So just pay attention to your values, your limits and you sense of integrity and your own experiences.
Lastly, if you need validation, seek it from people who genuinely value you, people who bring out the best in you. Those who lift you up, not tear you down. Remember the antidote to toxic people are decent people. Their minimization is a reflection on their limitations, and their envy, not yours. You’ve no control over them. You have control over you. Learn to respond rather than react. Learn to observe not absorb.
So to summarise, diminishing others is a form of psychological manipulation deeply rooted in a narcissists fear of not being seen as superior. They’ll minimise your pain, your ideas, your qualities, achievements, all out of fear of losing their sense of superiority, being held accountable, or even just having to share the spotlight. They can throw a tantrum if you’re feeling good, feel irritated if you’re struggling. Say ‘no’ to anything you might need and struggle with you having any emotions that don’t have them as the focus. It’s a reflection of how shallow and fragile their sense of themselves is.
Watch the video here: