Wicked Games: Why Narcissists Provoke Reactions

Transcript from video

Why do narcissists deliberately try to provoke a reaction, and when they do provoke someone, why do they put the focus on the provocation? Well as always there’s never just a one size fits all answer, and trying to figure out a narcissists' motivations and behaviours can scrape your brain at times.

They like to keep others off balance and seem to have an uncanny ability to make everyone else feel like they’re the one who's crazy. They are the one who is in error, or they are the one who’s being abusive. One of the ways they do this is by focusing on the reaction to their insults, their lies and general bad behaviour.

Their fixation on how others react to their behaviour is manipulative, coercive and destabilising. They poke, push, insult, embarrass which naturally provokes a reaction in someone, but then either act like they’re morally superior, or they’re the victim.

It's a vicious cycle that leaves people feeling frustrated, anxious, even guilty. People in narcissistic relationships often find themselves wondering if they really are overreacting, if they are just being unreasonable, and are constantly second guessing themselves.

But what are the actual motivations behind reactive abuse?

Well firstly, narcissists might lack empathy but they can be highly attuned to the emotions of other people, just not in a healthy way. They just know how to use other people’s emotions against them, or to get what they want. But sometimes if they can see you're upset or angry at something they’ve done or said, they might just keep doing more of the same to get a rise out of you. It can be a way of either exercising or testing their power over you In some cases they're addicted to the attention, even if it's negative.

Sometimes they might provoke a reaction for no other reason than they’re bored. They can be sarcastic, dismissive, antagonistic just to feed off your reaction. Chaos and drama is something they seem to thrive on. So if they are provoking just for their own entertainment then pay attention, you just might see them smirk at your embarrassment, frustration or whatever they’ve tried to provoke in you.

However they might actually begin to get angry and frustrated if you are not reacting the way they want you to. When people are calm, assertive, or just ignore them. You’re now in the wrong for not giving them a reaction, and this diminishes their sense of power and control. That’s when you typically see the provocation increase.

Next, they could deliberately try to provoke a reaction because they’re trying to see how far they can go. What are you prepared to put up with. Sometimes it’s a game to them, just to see how much you’ll take before you push back. Now this is the thing about bullies. People think they go for those they don’t like, people they see as weak, but not always. Some bullies target everyone, they just continue to intimidate and dominate anyone where they get away with it, and they provoke those they know won’t push back.

Sometimes this is a slow process. They’ll push a little bit at a time, maybe a bit of sarcasm here, a barbed comment there. If someone does push back they’ll claim it was only a joke. If they make demands, barking orders and someone pushes back, they are being unreasonable.

They can also deliberately provoke in order to learn what your triggers are. They want to know what buttons to push in future in order to manipulate. Here we would see a Machiavellian side to narcissism. Learning what’s important to you, what excites you, what upsets you and so on, and keeping that information for when they need it.

Next, sometimes they do whatever they like, not necessarily to cause a reaction, but because they feel entitled to do so. They believe they are superior and deserve special treatment so behave anyway they like. And when someone does push back this can outrage them.

How dare you challenge them, call them out on their behaviour, don’t you know who they are? And their outrage at your reaction is evidence of how cruel and abusive you’re being. Either that or they’ll play the victim. Their fear, their upset is evidence of how aggressive you are being. They feel justified to treat others however they like, get what they want and feel perfectly justified to behave anyway they like in order to get it. So when others stand up to them, it’s an affront to their false sense superiority. In some cases may genuinely believe they are being badly treated for not getting their own way, not being allowed to control and dominate.

Another reason for the focus on other people’s reactions is purely just to deflect attention away from their own behaviour. Narcissistic people have an unhealthy relationship with responsibility and accountability. Focusing on other people’s reactions to their behaviour is a maladaptive defence mechanism they’ve learned over time to help avoid it. Regardless of how they behave and how they react, everyone else is the problem. They can behave as if they’re just innocent bystanders in their own lives.

Narcissists might deliberately provoke reactions, then focus on the reaction in order to condition people not to answer back. Again this can be a process over a period of time. Slowly eroding people’s boundaries, leading them to believe they are being unreasonable, hurtful and selfish.

Through playing victimhood because you raised your voice, their last partner had anger issues and you’ve triggered their trauma, outrage at you not being okay with how they behave because you’re being unfair and unreasonable, or feigned confusion, no idea why you should be angry at being humiliated publicly, it was only a joke.

One way or another they grind people down making it more and more difficult for them to assert themselves in any way. I often say a good indicator of narcissism in the early stages of a relationship is to see how they react to your ‘no’.

Next, some narcissists might deliberately provoke a reaction in order to get you into trouble. There could be a series of passive aggressive comments, being dismissive.

At work there could a series non sensical word salad emails that have half the organisation copied into it to keep you confused, off balance and defensive, constant sabotage, all framed as if they are only following procedure and you’re not doing it right. There can be ‘gotcha’ questions, aimed at trying to make you say something specific so they can report you for bullying or some kind of misconduct. Now if they can’t get you to say what they want you to say, they can twist, misrepresent or exaggerate what you did say, make straw man arguments to get you that way. Again though, when you react emotionally or defensively, that’s what they focus on. That’s what they report you for. How dare you not be okay with being lied to or lied about.

Lastly, narcissists are self focused. Everything is about them. And as I previously mentioned they lack empathy. They also lack insight and the ability to self reflect. If they are focusing on your reaction to their behaviour, it could be because from their perspective you are the bad guy. They do what they like to you and don’t care how it hurts, but hold you accountable for how they feel.

Calling them out for their lies is abusive. Not letting them get their own way is oppressive. Not colluding with their deluded fantasies is invalidating.

Their version of themselves is rarely based in reality and as such is very fragile. When you show they aren’t always right, are no more special than anyone else, that you have rights as well you are challenging a very fragile sense of self and they’ll do whatever they can to protect themselves, and they can be cruel, vindictive and throw out any accusation they can in the hope that something will either stick, or make you back down.

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