Cluster B Personalities: Why Nothing You Do Is Ever Enough

Transcript from Video

Have you ever met some people that you could meet their every demand, you anticipate their every need, you could even bend over backwards for them, but they only seem to become even more bitter and resentful and even more demanding. The sort of people that nothing you ever do is good enough, nothing you ever give them is appreciated or reciprocated?

In fact, they tend to expect more. It’s like they’re impossible to please. They seem to be constantly and chronically dissatisfied. Well, quite commonly at the core of this ‘never enough’ attitude is not just about feeling disappointment, like we all do at times.

This is more like a chronic state of being, and it can be quite common in those with deeply ingrained Cluster B personality traits.

The Cluster B group of personalities includes antisocial, narcissistic, borderline and histrionic personalities. These are characterised by dramatic, emotional, erratic or unpredictable patterns in thinking, feeling and behaving.

People with these disorders often struggle with emotional regulation and impulsivity. They struggle maintaining stable relationships, and they frequently experience, as well as cause significant conflict and distress. So the problem isn’t necessarily what you or anyone else does or doesn’t do for them. It’s more like their inability to hold on to or to acknowledge anything, or even to experience any kind of real gratitude. Because a common thread that runs through many of these personality types is a deep seated chronic emptiness. So they can make escalating or even repeated demands.

But even when they get those demands met, they still remain bitter, resentful and unsatisfied. Nothing is ever enough, because that unhappiness usually stems from deep internal emptiness and emotional dysregulation. So no external achievement, concession, favour or validation can ever really fill them.

In many cases, their demands aren’t just needs or wants. Quite often they are frantic, sometimes impulsive attempts to plug an inner void, a desperate need to feel superior, to reassure themselves of their entitlement to special treatment.

Even when they do get their demands met, this is really only a temporary fix because the emptiness and, the bitterness quickly returns. Many become experts at making others feel responsible for their misery, because to them, the problem is always external. It’s always everyone else who is letting them down.

So some of the reasons why they never seem to be happy is first of all due to an over Inflated sense of entitlement. People with deeply ingrained narcissistic traits believe themselves to be deserving of special treatment and that everyone should validate, collude with and comply with their demands. If they’re told ‘no’, this could cause a huge offence and can bring up outrage. However, when a demand is met, well, the need for special treatment isn’t really healed. So any satisfaction they get tends to be short lived because the emptiness returns. Therefore more demands follow. Alongside this, their bitterness can grow because no one can ever truly magically fix everything for them by always saying yes.

No one and nothing can provide an infinite perfect stream of attention, validation, worship, worship whatever it is they want. So quite often other people’s efforts are rejected because what was given to them wasn’t given quick enough, or it wasn’t done in the right way, or maybe it wasn’t how they wanted it, or maybe you weren’t thinking the right thought while you were doing it.

So what we see here are the goal posts constantly shifting and the demands keep changing and escalating. If you think about it, it’s like trying to fill a sieve by pouring water into it. More commonly happens in many relationships with narcissistic people is things begin with just little issues. Little normal, everyday things start to become problematised. So it’s a minor adjustment here, a small compromise there, but then things start to escalate and eventually what might be a huge favour, sacrifice or concession on your report, or even something requiring a whole lifestyle change just to accommodate them, well, that soon becomes the bare minimum. There’s no room for negotiation, no room for mutual compromise, and no concept of them having to reciprocate or take responsibility for anything.

In many cases, if someone were to question their demands, well, they might claim that they’re being abused or being neglected, or someone’s trying to rob them or even destroy them somehow.

But even after they eventually get what they want, through their threats, their temper tantrums and their histrionics, the resentment still flares up because someone had committed a terrible sin by questioning them in the first place. Therefore, they deserve to be punished.

Here we see their vindictiveness, which can manifest in many ways, from petty and poorly thought out acts of revenge to sadistic cruelty.

Along with the sense of entitlement, there’s also an idealised fantasy version of themselves. Some narcissistic people believe that life should be easy, frictionless and perfectly fair. Well, for them anyway. They believe life should always be gratifying for them without any kind of effort, frustration, and no limits on their part. However, whenever reality kicks in, for instance, they don’t get a medal for just turning up. They’re no more special than anyone else and other people have ideas, rights, and needs as well they can feel hard done by. They claim they’re being cheated somehow, or the world is conspiring against them again.

Even after others back down and comply, even if it’s just to keep them quiet because of their outrageous hysterics they might still claim the world has failed them somehow and then out comes their resentment and their envy. One of the diagnostic criteria for NPD is being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them, and chronically unsatisfied people often operate from a place of chronic envy and, and a belief that everything is fundamentally unfair to them.

So it’s not that others are more accomplished in some areas due to hard work, practice, or sacrifice. It’s because they have cheated somehow. But even when it comes to their envy, the odd thing is, it’s not always that they want what others have. In many cases, they actually resent people for having anything at all.

Even someone else’s happiness or contentment can feel like a personal attack to them. It’s like something has been taken from them. So whenever they receive something from someone else, it’s not seen as a gift or a favour. It’s like it was theirs by right.

It’s maybe like a tiny payment for some kind of debt they’re owed for being special. Other people accommodating them or showing generosity isn’t a kindness. It’s like they’re only doing what they’re supposed to do. So why would they feel grateful for something they feel entitled to in the first place?

Moving on, another reason for the resentment and the bitterness can be because they find their identity in being resentful. It gives them some kind of status, some kind of purpose. It’s how they organise their sense of themselves and in some cases could be dressed up as maybe them fighting the good fight.

They present themselves as being virtuous victims, or maybe heroic martyrs. They’ve been wronged, or maybe others have been wronged. One way or another, there’s something terribly unfair going on, and they’re the one who’s going to put it right. But if this is their sense of identity, then once they get what they want, well, who are they? What are they for?

They need chaos and conflict in order to thrive. Remember, you can’t be a victim unless you’re being victimised and you can’t be a hero unless you have a villain to defeat. So in one way, actually getting what they want could feel like an existential threat to their own sense of self.

So continually finding fault and staying resentful keeps the blame outward and the narrative intact. Because the alternative might mean having to let go of the resentment, maybe take responsibility for themselves or even forgive someone or reciprocating something that’s certainly not on their radar.

Next, the bitterness they feel isn’t always about specific needs not being met. It can be a displaced rage that perhaps inconsistent nurturing or maybe overindulgence, things they experienced whenever they were younger. So there can be a fear that, either the emptiness will never end or they’re being denied what they believe they’re entitled to.

But either way, in some cases, giving them what they want can actually make things worse. Because getting them what they want doesn’t take the pain away. So they can become angry with whoever gave in to them, while at the same time getting their own way only reinforces they’ve been denied something in the first place.

But I think what we really see are unmet core needs or expectations, often manifesting as just surface level demands, but without regard to what these demands cost other people. And, because they get a moment’s gratification, they just want more and more and more.

Which is why what starts out as them only asking for what they claim is fair often escalates into demands that eventually become about domination. And, when they are inevitably let down or disappointed, getting an apology doesn’t resolve anything.

It’s often seen more as an admission of guilt, which is why they believe they’re justified in their vindictive, sometimes even sadistic quest for revenge.

Lastly, for some people with Cluster B traits, in particular narcissism and antisocial traits, relationships aren’t about connection. They’re about control. Lacking internal stability, they try to control their external environment, and that includes the people in it. So whenever others give in to their demands, well, they’re not building a relationship or forming any kind of meaningful connection.

What they’re doing is they’re seeing their manipulation, their tears, their, outrage, even their threats work. Their behaviour that’s causing all the pain is actually being reinforced. They get a temporary head of power by making others act in a certain way, and this calms their inner chaos.

But this is not love. It’s not trust. It’s certainly not friendship, and it’s definitely not reciprocal. It’s really a power dynamic. Other people’s compliance just proves to them that they are in charge. This validates their sense of superiority and their entitlement, and in many of these dynamics, the first time you go out of your way for them, well, that confirms their superiority. By the second time you do it, it’s just what you’re supposed to do. By the third time, if you hesitate for any reason, it’s like you’ve betrayed them.

So giving in to them and giving them what they want doesn’t make them feel any more content. Rather, it fuels that belief that they’re superior and they deserve to be in control, and this is often why rules and boundaries often trigger intense rage. Because you’re not just saying ‘no’, you’re, you’re actually asserting your own power and your own autonomy.

But to them it’s like you’re taking their power away. In, some cases it might actually claim that you’re the one who’s being aggressive, you’re the one who’s narcissistic, or you are trying to destroy them. Here we would see the emotional dysregulation that’s often seen with borderline personality.

Now the difficulty can be that people with Cluster B personality traits may at times have a genuine grievance or concern, just like everyone else has. But they may not know how to just ask, how to negotiate because they’re just so used to being angry, resentful and demanding compliance. So instead they bully, threaten, they perform all manner of histrionics until eventually others stop taking them seriously because they’re just so toxic. But because of their lack of insight, empathy and accountability, this further fuels the belief that they are being treated badly.

It’s got nothing to do with their bad behaviour. So their demands, their hysterics escalate further.

Now in workplaces and families, in one to one relationships, people with Cluster B personalities who are chronically dissatisfied can be both disruptive and destructive to everyone around them. And because of the lack of empathy and disregard for the rights or well being of others they might claim that what they want is only fair, but they have little to no concern for what that might cost others. Their wants, their whims are of much more important than other people’s needs, even their rights. It’s like, ‘Give me what I want and to Hell with the casualties.’

But the thing is, you get them into a group where they all validate and feed off each other’s entitlement, bitterness and resentment. Well, that’s where we begin to see the Outrage Olympics, the sadistic cruelty to those who say no, and a whole new level of chaos.

And because they’re so dysregulated and lack insight, they can actually be open to being manipulated by nefarious Machiavellian types to do their dirty work for them, and they have no idea they’re being used. They are convinced they are the good guys.